Who Will be the GOP VP Nominee?
"If you ain't first, you're last"~Ricky Bobby
With the GOP convention fast approaching like a car going over a cliff, Republicans across the country are dying to know who “God-Emperor Trump” will select as his heir running mate. The Donald himself, in a rare moment of self-reflection and cognizance of his advanced age and mortality, has even said that his VP pick has to be “a good president… in case of an emergency.” If only Biden had got that memo before choosing one of Montel Williams’ groupies to be his cackling, sociopathic vice prez.
But while The O’Biden-Bama campaign is sticking with the the first black/Indian/woman/Joker impersonator since they self-admittedly can’t fire her without appearing as racist/sexist/not fans of Heath Ledger’s iconic performance, Trumperino has dropped the human flycatcher Mike Pence faster than Marla Maples. So the quest has begun for GOP hopefuls across the country to becomes America’s Next Top Lapdog, but who will it be? Let’s weigh our options.
Governor Doug Burgum: Bargain Bin Eugene Levy
Yeah I know I used that joke in my previous award-winning* article on presidential merch that you can see here, but it was funny so screw you I’m doing it again. And like I said before, he seems like a genuine dude, but God is he boring. Unless the VP debate involves an eyebrow-off, I don’t know how much excitement he’ll generate. Nickelodeon’s Doug ain’t exactly oozing with charisma, but still, as a source close to Trump said, “he’s a rich guy with rich friends,” and that could benefit the Cheeto campaign yugely.
He brings no negative baggage, and he certainly won’t be a charismatic threat to the Big Don, but he has also shown with his failed presidential campaign that no one is particularly excited to get out the vote for someone who looks like your most boring history professor from college, even if he had some spectacular campaign merch.
Rank: B-Tier
*not actually award-winning
Tucker Carlson: Putin’s Propagandist Puppet
Once cable television’s highest rated presenter, Carlson has always had a flare for the dramatic, to put it mildly. Known for his memeable face and out there takes, the former MSNBC presenter (seriously, look it up) is very popular among Trump’s base, but is that really all that helpful when trying to win over moderates and independents? He comes with far more baggage than benefits, including his, shall we say, controversial takes on fictional Ukrainian persecution of Christians, 9/11 trutherism, and the 2020 election. His unfounded claims of fraud cost his parent company Fox around $800 million, leading to his firing. As it turns out, you can’t just make shit up about a company and push it as fact. Shocking, positively shocking.
He also, of course, had his infamous interview with Vladimir Putin which entranced both him and his audience and tricked them into thinking the ahistorical ramblings of geriatric Russian dictator were actually deep, philosophical truths from a “real leader,” unlike our geriatric president who rambles about Corn Pop or whatever. Carlson then proceeded to film multiple Russian propaganda pieces about how awesome it is to live in that post-Soviet shithole while seriously claiming with a straight face that he is immune to propaganda.
It is also unclear as to Carlson’s true feelings on what many assumed to be his beloved spray tanned butt-buddy, as leaked texts show him calling Trump, “a demonic force” and that he “hates him passionately.” Fortunately for the Trump campaign, Carlson has come out and said he is not interested in running for office, and he’s just fine parroting Russian propaganda on Twitter. You do you, boo.
Rank: F-Tier
Senator Tom Cotton: A Good Ole Southern Boy
A sleeper pick who has been gaining a lot of traction lately, Arkansas’ junior senator brings with him experience, an ability to effectively communicate, and just the right level of personality to not upstage the Don while keeping any further controversies to the campaign a minimum. Cotton is an Army veteran who later attended Harvard, and he has consistently put himself on the front lines of the culture war.
Still, he is not perfect. He is a very dry man, which while helpful to avoid stepping on Trump’s toes, does not necessarily excite people. He is also a white dude, not bringing in the diversity points (if that really matters to the Trump campaign, that is). He’s a dark horse candidate, for sure, but he’s far from the worst choice on the list.
Rank: B-Tier
Governor Ron DeSantis: Meatball Ron
Ron DeSanctimonius is a weird case because he tried to unseat the big dog during the primaries, but failed pretty convincingly. Despite this, he remains broadly popular within his state and with Republicans across the country. He is a proven fundraiser, and Don & Ron is a good tagline for a yard sign; very catchy. He has already been viewed as a more savvy and younger version of Trump, so he would be a great replacement should Donald Corleone go toes up.
However, the faults with DeSantis are numerous, chief among them being the Florida residency, but he also is too big of a personality to be a VP under Trump. Let’s not fool ourselves, Donnie’s ego is massive, and given the other choices he has even offhandedly mentioned, it seems clear that he wants either a woman or a less charismatic man, and Ron doesn’t fit either of those molds. And of course there’s the elephant in the room (pun intended) that DeSantis himself said, between eating pudding with his hands like a starving animal, that he is not going to play second fiddle to Mr. Grab-em-by-the-P-word in a future administration. Well, case closed!
Rank: C-Tier
Representative Byron Donalds: Unlicensed Pharmacist
I know what you’re thinking: who the hell is this? Well, he is a “rising star” congressman from Florida who’s still wet behind the ears politically. He began his illustrious foray into adulthood by getting arrested for selling the old Devil’s lettuce, Satan’s spinach, Peruvian parsley, wacky tobacky, reefer, ganja, chronic, dope… okay you get it. But still, that’s in the past, and T-rump himself has come out and said that he likes Donalds’ “diversité.” Weird thing to say, but I’ll allow it.
He seems like a well and good choice for VP, but there are two problems. First is that he is from the same state as Trump, and should they run together, they would have to forfeit Florida’s 30 electoral votes for either Trump or Donalds, as per the Constitution. This is certainly an unnecessary risk to take in an election that will likely be close. The second reason is, and you might say I’m crazy for this but hear me out, is that a Trump/Donalds sign would look dumb as shit. Having what is almost Trump’s full name backwards on a sign would be wonky as hell, but maybe the egotistical Trump would like that. I don’t know, but I think these two factors, along with his lack of real political experience, ultimately take Donalds’ name out of the running.
Rank: D-Tier
Former Representative Tulsi Gabbard: The Peculiar Polynesian Pick
Okay, this one I genuinely don’t understand. Tulsi Gabbard is the former Democratic Representative from Hawaii’s 2nd district (that is to say the entire state but Honolulu) who retired to run unsuccessfully for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. Since then, she has disavowed her former comrades and registered as an independent, becoming a regular on right-wing media platforms and criticizing her old party as, “under the complete control of an elitist cabal of warmongers driven by cowardly wokeness.”
I guess the appeal is to watch her mercilessly destroy Kamala Harris again in a debate, which would be even funnier the second time, I agree, but this choice makes no goddamn sense strategically. She has not even endorsed Trump, is not a Republican, and seemed like she really wanted be RFK Jr of all people’s VP instead (before he chose some random lady no one had ever heard of). Still, she has expressed a willingness to serve as veep for Trump, so she remains as a wildcard option.
Would this quasi-bipartisan ticket bring in liberal voters, or would it alienate conservatives? Given how unabashedly thirsty many people on the right seem to be for Tulsi, I guess it might not be as crazy an idea as I originally believed. Seriously, calm down you horndogs, you’re making all the people who shower regularly uncomfortable. Still, this would be an out-of-left-field choice for Trump (pun intended). Is her recent conversion to conservatism genuine, or is it a grift that will bite Trump in the rump should he choose her? It’s a huge gamble, but if it works, the young, former Democrat, female veteran could bring in supporters who would normally stick their nose up at Trump.
Rank: B-Tier
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene: An Actual Fucking Lunatic
Hahahahahaha, what are you, fucking insane? MTG, or as I call her, the AOC of the Right, is one of the dumbest, least strategic, and most mentally unhinged individuals in Congress, and believe me, that is saying something. Where do I begin? How about the moronic conspiracy of Jewish space lasers? What about trying to oust Speaker Johnson because she doesn’t understand that you need to compromise in order for society and government to function? Ooh, my favorite is claiming to be a pious and devout Christian while cheating on her now ex-husband of 25 years multiple times, including with some guy she met at her gym and a polyamorous tantric sex guru!
She may appeal to the Qanon side of the GOP base, but she would actively turn off literally everyone else. She is so unappealing that I don’t find the need to explain why she would be quite possibly the worst choice on this list. Instead, I’ll share some of the most batshit stories I could find about her. When she’s not claiming that the Sandy Hook and Parkland school shootings are false flag hoaxes or having multiple middle school cat fights with her coworkers, she can be found molesting cardboard cutouts of President Trump. She also believes that there is no evidence that a plane hit the Pentagon on 9/11. I don’t know Margie, but the countless videos and photographs of the plane damage to the Pentagon and the differently colored bricks you can still see to this day on the building are proof enough to me.
I am trying to keep my personal opinions and preferences on the candidates out of the article to both compare the pros and cons for a generic voter and so you can form your own opinions, but I cannot stand this silly moo. But even still, I truly believe that Greene is one of the few people on this list that would actively harm Donald’s chances of winning the election were she to become the VP nominee.
Rank: F-Tier
Kari Lake: Scary Kari
Oh boy, another real winner here. Kari Lake is a former news anchor turned failed gubernatorial candidate who, like the man she’s trying to woo with her toady actions, is unable to accept the fact that she lost. What’s more likely? The entirely Republican-controlled state government conspiring to rig and steal an election, managing to keep thousands of people quiet about it while simultaneously coordinating a statewide effort to ensure this goes so smoothly that no evidence of fraud appears after months of diligent investigations by an independent commission, or the people of Arizona didn’t want a reporter with no experience to run the state?
Still, she remains a darling in populist circles, for some reason. Though credit where credit is due, she is the only person to outdo Vivek in the ass-kissing department. She is so sycophantic and clingy that Trump himself has reportedly told her that she’s at the Mar-a-Lago way too often and that she should be out campaigning instead of following him around like a lost puppy. If even Trump doesn’t want this conventionally attractive woman following him around constantly, then she must be really friggin’ annoying. He has also taken umbrage with her Nixon-esque proclivity to secretly tape people who believe they are speaking to her in confidence only to release it to the public later.
Lake is, to be blunt, a loser, and Trump has noted this. It would seem she is all but out of contention to be VP, thank God. But don’t fret, dear reader, as she is doing everything in her power to continue being as un-electable as possible and is determined to cost the GOP a crucial Senate flip in the Grand Canyon State this year.
Rank: F-Tier
Governor Kristi Noem: The Mad-Dog Killer
Governor Noem should be studied for generations in political science classes across the nation as a case study on how Republicans are undisputed masters of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory (and for why you should always check your ghost writer’s work). A literal beauty queen with a strong populist record, Noem has been appearing constantly on right-wing media outlets practically begging for the VP job.
She had everything going for her and was suggested by the Oompa Loompa himself as a potential Vice President. She placed first in a CPAC poll of who Republicans wanted to be VP, but then Governor Obsequious here decided she didn’t want to have a career in national politics anymore and published her recent book No Going Back. In this tome, she described her 14-month-old puppy named Cricket which was “untrainable” as a hunting dog. It killed neighbors chickens, bit people, and was “less than worthless.” Naturally, she brought it out to a gravel pit and blasted it with her 12 gauge.
How the hell this story got green lit for inclusion into the book is beyond my comprehension as a rational and strategic person. Is it typical in rural America to put down problem animals this way? Yes. Does that mean anything to the majority of Americans who live in urban and suburban areas who love their designer doggies and rather them be euthanized out of sight by a vet with a drug? Hell no. Oh, and she also just made up a story about meeting with Kim Jong Un. Source: Trust Me Bro.
The bad press from this alone has single-handedly sunk her chances for VP, and likely her political future, at least in national politics, and I’m not even being hyperbolic.
Rank: F-Tier
Vivek Ramaswamy: DJ Da Vek
Well if it isn’t our good chum “Da Vek:” snake oil salesman by day, SoundCloud rapper by night. This charlatan has seemingly conned a sizable subsection of MAGA loyalists into thinking he’s the guy to take up the mantle of the GOP after Trump’s potential second term, but God knows how he did that. To literally everyone but his most ardent supporters, he comes off as an inexperienced, yappy little dog that you want to give the Baxter treatment to.
He has the political opinions of an edgy highschooler who knows nothing about how the world actually works. His poor man’s Obama shtick, combined with his dubious claims about the January 6th riots being an “inside job” make him quite unpalatable to not only myself, but to moderate voters who Trump needs to win the election. This brown-nosing brown dude spent his entire presidential campaign trying to curry favor with Trump (that’s two Indian jokes for you, and I’m definitely getting cancelled for that) and it was all for naught. Trump reportedly said to his no doubt tear-filled and snot-dribbling face that he is not really considering him for VP after he spent the better part of a year kissing his orange ass. Yikes.
Rank: F-Tier
Senator Marco Rubio: Little Marco
It would appear the days of extremely awkward public dick measuring contests are behind them, thank God, and word around the block is that The Sunshine State’s favorite Orange has taken a serious liking to the man he once diminutively called “Little Marco.” As the only Hispanic and Spanish-speaking candidate on this list, Rubio definitely brings a special appeal to help Trump woo the crucial demographic better than this gem:
Despite all the pros, there is still the major concern that he is also from Florida. Sure, he could pull a Dick Cheney and just move somewhere else, but that wouldn’t be a great look for a sitting Senator who was just reelected in 2022. This seems unlikely, however, as his advisors are saying that he is milling around the idea of a gubernatorial run in 2026. He’s a young(ish) guy who remains popular as a sort of missing link between old guard neoconservatives and MAGA populists in the GOP, so I foresee a promising political future for him, just not the vice presidency this time around.
Rank: B-Tier
Senator Tim Scott: The Soft-Spoken Token
Tim Scott is a very likely choice for VP. I’m no betting man, but with the attention he’s been getting from the media, his relative popularity with all wings of the Republican Party, and his surprisingly competent fundraising abilities, I’d put money on him getting the job. Trump’s allies have been strongly suggesting to him that he pick a woman or a minority for his veep slot, as that will help him potentially win over those voting blocks he is struggling to do as well in. Scott fits that bill perfectly.
However, he is not perfect. He is a pro-life absolutist, and this runs contrary to Trump’s “leave it to the states” stance on this controversial issue, and it may cost him votes. So, will he be chosen as Agent Orange’s second-in-command? Only Tim will tell.
Rank: A-Tier
Representative Elise Stefanik: The Adirondack Agitator
Hailing from the part of New York no one cares about, Rep. Stefanik has been making the rounds lately with her fiery take downs of numerous terrorist-loving Ivy League presidents. She brings many positive traits to the ticket, being a 39-year-old woman with a knack for fundraising and an ability to actually work with the fickle members of Congress who stifled President Trump’s first term (including his own party members).
For his part, Dorito Mussolini has called her, “a very smart person” and “a killer” (in a good way, not in a OJ Simpson way, I presume). Reports from those close to the former President claim that she’s a top contender for the spot. Man, this whole thing really is like The Apprentice, huh? Still, Stefanik would be a great choice to help shore up support from suburban women, one of Trump’s weakest demographics.
Rank: A-Tier
Senator J.D. Vance: Eulogizer of Hillbillies
Freshman senator from Ohio and author of the bestselling Hillbilly Elegy, J.D. Vance has been making a name for himself in conservative circles. Despite this, he hasn’t always been aboard the Trump Train, as it were. To quote the Orange Man, “He’s a guy that said some bad shit about me,” and that’s putting it mildly. In 2016, Vance had said he was a “Never Trump guy” and “never liked him,” who thought Trump was “an idiot… noxious…reprehensible.” He also said he might even become “America’s Hitler.”
That’s pretty damning, but the Senator and his team have been working overtime to show his Road to Damascus moment regarding Trump, with Teflon Don himself saying at a Vance rally during his 2022 senate run, “J.D. is kissing my ass he wants my support so much.” Yikes. However, it is fair to say that after this public humiliation ritual, Vance has been a conservative culture warrior, though he kind of sucks at fundraising, and his complexion means he isn’t ticking any diversity boxes. All this, combined with his inexperience, makes him a less than ideal candidate at this time.
Rank: D-Tier
Governor Glenn Youngkin: Go Vest Youngkin Man
As a certified Youngkin enjoyer and owner of his vest, I truly believe that he is a great choice for vice president. He, like Rubio, represents a perfect middle ground between neoconservatism and populism, and his record as Governor of Virginia speaks to his commitment to commonsense ideas and values while remaining approachable and charming. His is personable, but not too much as to make Donald feel like he’s competing for the spotlight.
He might not check off the diversity boxes that are seemingly being pushed for by Trump’s advisors, but he does bring executive experience. Under Virginia law, he would be unable to run again when his term ends in 2025, so why not go for the job that has often been a launching point for future GOP presidential nominees? Am I just pushing Youngkin due to my own bias and desire to see him become president someday?
Rank: A-Tier
Tier List
Well, here’s the list in a visual form. A couple stand outs, a couple decent choices, a few who have one thing like residency or inexperience holding them back, and a sizeable amount of stinkers. None really stuck out to me as a perfect candidate for everything the Trump team is looking for, but perhaps you, my beloved reader, see something I don’t. Now we sit in joyous anticipation for July when the GOP Veepstakes grand prize winner has been chosen!