The Great 2024 Election Merch-Off
Hail to the Chief, Baby
With the 2024 Presidential Election just a little more than a year away, we, the humble American voters, must start to think about who we are going to throw our support behind. Contrary to what the former Vice President Al Gore once said, the presidency is indeed a popularity contest. So, how do we determine who’s the most popular? Why, with a merch-off, of course!
Any good candidate worth their salt is going to have some sweet merch to sell for fundraising and free advertising, all at once. Everyone has their own merch nowadays. YouTubers, politicians, celebrities, corporations, and many more are all competing to sell you, the fool and his soon to be parted money, their made-in-China branded crap made by four-year-olds in neighboring sweatshops. Consumerism!
Anyhow, let’s see which presidential hopeful is selling the best and most interesting tchotchkes this election season!
Joe Biden as “Sleepy Joe”
The incumbent president’s merch shop is the exact opposite of his presidency: clean, professional, and functional. It seems Grandpa Joe is sticking with his 2020 logo for his reelection bid, following the old mantra of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Unfortunately for our economy, Joe ignored that advice when it came to governing.
Biden’s bizarre bazaar features a few collections, such as “Union Strong” and the generic “Biden/Harris,” which I’d be remiss to not mention also comes in the Gay ™ variety. Besides that, some common themes include a shit ton of stickers (perfect for some no-doubt annoying college student to put on their laptop), gay pride (perfect for pandering purposes) and everyone’s favorite, “Dark Brandon.”
Overall, I’d say that the website is very appealing to look at, and the merch selection is quite substantial. There are a variety of options ranging from t-shirts to bags, stickers to flags, and other assorted goods like buttons, mugs and sweatshirts. However, the theming is rather lacking, with basically everything fitting into a few select categories. Surprisingly, Joe’s shop is the only one to feature gay pride merch, cornering that specific market. That color-changing mug is pretty sweet, though. Disappointingly, I must inform you that there are no actual aviators or anything ice-cream related. Where’s the chocolate chocolate-chip, Brandon?
Grade: B+ (For Brandon)
Link To Shop: Biden Victory Fund Webstore (joebiden.com)
Doug Burgum as “Bargain Bin Eugene Levy”
North Dakota’s very own Eugene Levy impersonator and eyebrow connoisseur Doug Burgum tossed his cowboy hat in the ring with the hopes that being the nicest dude on stage would win him some support. I give him credit for being one of the few people running who seems like a genuinely decent person, but that doesn’t matter. How’s his merch game?
For a candidate with little support, Burgum’s storefront has a surprising variety. Of course, you have the usual fare of “Burgum for America” shirts and signs and sticker, but he’s really playing into his small-town roots and the Midwest’s frontiersman history with some actually great and clever designs. There’s a lot of highlights here:
Overall, this is a great selection for a long-shot candidate, filled with deep cutting references and fun and appealing designs. There are many colors on offer, with the camos and dulled, earthy colors standing out as particularly fitting for a down-to-earth, rural state like North Dakota. I doubt Burgum will make it very far, but the graphic designer on his team deserves a raise, that’s for damn sure.
Grade: A (Very Creative with Some Great References)
Link To Shop: Doug Burgum for America | Shop
Chris Christie as “His Corpulency”
Well, this one was unexpected. Former New Jersey Governor/Bridge Blocker/Beach Enjoyer has a campaign website, but he doesn’t sell merch anywhere. What? The best I could find were some Etsy shops selling unofficial Lard Lad merchandise. I know New Jersey’s least popular governor ever is a real longshot for the presidency, but even he must not believe in himself if he isn’t willing to sell any campaign merchandise.
It would seem that the most rotund Republican running has given me nothing to work with. I even had a joke ready in my head before I started researching for this article. I was gonna say “Oh, I sure hope they make Christie ‘24 shirts in 5XL so he can wear one,” but now I have nothing to work with. Thanks Chris, you bumbling buffoon. You ruined my joke.
Grade: F (Don’t Eat All the Merch Next Time Chris)
Link To Shop: Chris Christie for President - Because the Truth Matters
Ron DeSantis as “Florida Man”
Whether you call him Ron DeSanctimonious or Ron DeathSantis or Giga Ron or whatever, you have to agree he has a great merch site. There’s a lot of great variety on this clean and easy-to-navigate site. You want classic “DeSantis ‘24” merch? He’s got them in t-shirts, sweatshirts, signs, bumper stickers, mugs, flags and hats. The site also has some things fitting into categories, much like Biden’s site. There’s the “Stop Washington. Save America” collection centered around populist ideals, as well as the “Stop the Invasion” collection regarding illegal immigration, another issue he pushes. Finally, there’s the “Mamas for DeSantis” collection spearheaded by his wife, Casey.
Ron may struggle to smile on camera, and he may have started a losing battle with Disney, but at least he knows his audience. He’s a family man, so naturally, he has a small set of youth tees and baby onesies with slogans like “Future DeSantis Voter” and “Joe Biden Makes Me Cry.” He also knows how to speak to the Florida Men of this country with a surprisingly varied assortment of alcohol related products like whiskey glasses, koozies, and pint glasses. Of course, I’d be remiss to not mention the Hawiian shirt on offer: very Floridian, very stylish.
I think Governor DeSantis has a good collection on offer here; there’s a lot of variety and a lot of good designs, nearly all of which adhere to a red, white and blue color scheme, which does not go unnoticed. The one thing holding it back for me is the discontinuation of previous items. I recall checking out the store while he was running for reelection in 2020, and there were even more designs bearing other popular slogans he still uses like “Make America Florida,” but they are curiously missing from the new store. I think if he kept that collection, centered around alligator and golfcart themes, it would provide the appropriate amount of whimsy to put this into the A+ range. As of now, it falls just shy.
Grade: A- (Covers a Lot of Bases, Plus He Knows What His Voters Want)
Link To Shop: Official DeSantis for President Store (winred.com)
Larry Elder as “The Black Face of White Supremacy”
Larry Elder is a conservative Californian radio host who recently began his foray into politics by challenging Governor Gavin Newsom during the special recall election there in 2021. During that campaign, the LA Times hilariously dubbed him the “Black Face of White Supremacy” in a completely serious article. While Newsom kept his job, Elder still received an impressive 3.5 million votes. He had a lot of energy behind him, with some even thinking he could win. It’s a shame that all petered out when he threw his hat in the ring to run for the highest office in the land. He failed to qualify for the first debate, and he spends his time on social media essentially campaigning for Trump (perhaps he’s holding out for a VP slot or a cabinet position?)
Elder’s seeming lack of effort to campaign for president has unfortunately shaped his campaign shop, with there only being a measly four products on offer: a shirt, a sign, some stickers, and a hat. Larry, what a pitiful showing. If you don’t really care that much, then don’t run at all.
In the end, this is a disappointing showing from Elder. The designs are painfully generic, and he doesn’t even have any of the five books he’s written on the website. It would seem that Elder’s 15 minutes of fame are over. Now he’s just the black face of simping for Trump. Sad!
Grade: D- (Extremely Limited Selection, and What’s There is too Generic)
Link To Shop: Shop - Elder For President Store
Nikki Haley as “Tricky Nikk”
Former South Carolina Governor and UN Ambassador Nikki Haley made a big splash at the first GOP debate by being surprisingly sensible on the issues. She took a moderate (and frankly, realistic) stance on federal abortion laws, took a stand against Trump, and showed her experience. However, she is still in close competition to be the most popular Indian Republican candidate, let alone the party nominee. But, we aren’t here to predict someone’s realistic chances of winning. No, we’re here for the merch, and Haley brings a massive selection, possibly the biggest we’ve seen thus far.
Haley’s selection is about on par with DeSantis’, with countless red, white and blue t-shirts, mugs, signs and stickers, but this one includes some Nikki Haley branded Titleist golf balls. Sporty! She also has a couple of collections, including “Blessed to Live in America,” “Veterans for Nikki,” and most uniquely to her, “Women for Nikki.” The last one in particular helps her store stand out from the rest, as many choices in this collection can feature hot pink as a striking color to catch the eye.
Upon prior review, it is clear that Haley’s merch shop is the cream of the crop. The selection is vast, the colors are varied, the references deep and the messaging is good. This is the best I’ve seen so far, but will it hold up?
Grade: A+ (An Impressive Selection with a Feminine Touch to Make it Stand Out)
Link To Shop: Home - Nikki Haley for President
Will Hurd as “The Glowie”
Mr. Protruding Jawline, Receding Hairline over here is a former CIA clandestine officer and former U.S. Representative from Texas’s 23rd Congressional District, one of the largest in the country, stretching from El Paso to San Antonio. He represents a dying breed: liberal Republicans, and has zero chance of winning the election. Despite this, he (and the rest of the also-rans here, to be fair) is more than happy to take your money selling his products. But are these products worth your hard-earned cash? Let’s see.
His shop is small and boring. Again, the usual suspects of t-shirts, mugs and signs show up, but they are all so boring and generic. They blend in with any other candidate’s swag store, and it makes sense. The former CIA agent is a master at blending in. Unfortunately, that won’t win you the presidency, Mr. Hurd.
It would seem that our glowing Fed friend here is running a shop as lame as he is. It’s not offensive, but not inoffensive either. It’s not lacking in variety, but it is lacking in character. I will at least give him credit for going for more blacks and whites in the color scheme, but even then, that makes the whole shopfront look monochrome. My God, this is the most boring and depressing merch shop I’ve ever seen!
Grade: C (Perfectly Average; Safe and Boring Like a Stuck-Up Bureaucrat)
Link To Shop: Shop - Will Hurd (willbhurd.com)
Asa Hutchinson as “Arkansas Asa-hole”
Oh, the irony of an unpopular candidate for president being named after a beloved and wise biblical king is not lost on me. Hutchinson is another also-ran, and I like to think of him as a “good ole boy” Mike Pence, a career politician who is really, really pro-life. But the question remains: is he pro-good merch? Let’s find out.
Unfortunately, he is not. He too went for the colors of the good old US of A, but he really emphasized the white (that’s the good ole boy in him) with about 80% of his products using white as the primary color. The old, milquetoast white dude is really not helping his image with these, that’s all I’m going to say. The golf gift set with not only balls, but also tees and chips is nice, but I am totally baffled by the “For America’s Best” membership card product. I thought it was a Costco membership card when I first saw it and was understandably confused. Maybe they were going for that? I don’t know, maybe it’s a cute idea, but it seems really hokey and corny to me.
Overall, this is a weak showing. One good golf gift set does not a good swag store make. I’m sorry for getting caught up on it, but man, that card is so cheesy. Can I use it as a credit card? Do I get rewards at Best Western with it? It’s all so blasé. The utter caucasity of this man.
Grade: D (Not Gonna Sugarcoat it, Lest I Make it More White, but this is Bad)
Link To Shop: Asa for America! (asa2024.com)
Perry Johnson as “Botox Boy”
Yeah, I don’t know who he is either. From what I can gather, he’s some rich guy who is simply referred to as a “businessman.” Very helpful, thank you, internet. Who cares who he is anyway, dude already ran for Governor of Michigan in 2022 and didn’t even come close, so he’s destined to be a perennial candidate. Let’s just look at the merchandise.
Upon first glance, it seems to be another Asa Hutchinson repeat, with literally everything being white (I’m serious, 100% of his goods are white). However, upon actually looking at what the stuff says, things get really interesting. he also has the hokey-ass membership card (maybe it’s an old person thing I’m too young to understand), but he also has shirts, hats and stickers adorned with phrases like “Non-Bidenary” and “W.O.K.E. Keep Kids Off Socialism” in a not-so-subtle reference to D.A.R.E. Ok Perry, you’ve piqued my interest. But here’s the best one: merch that says Abolish/Defund the FBI. Now we’re getting somewhere. This is the exact kind of wacky I want in my merch. I love that you have the choice of how much you hate the FBI with options to either destroy it in its entirety or just cut some funding until they stop being so naughty. This is freakin’ hilarious.
In the end, Johnson’s merch shop caught me by surprise with how “based” it is. I actually laughed out loud at the FBI ones and the non-committal two options. Great stuff. Still, despite my laughs, the merchandise is still all run-of-the mill products, and Perry, seriously, pick another damn color to use. Making everything white is a bit on the nose, don’t you think?
Grade: C+ (Standard Products, All in the Same Color, But Damn Are They Funny)
Link To Shop: Perry Johnson - President 2024
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as “The Speak-and-Spell Sex Addict”
Every good election needs a Kenndey, and Junior here is the first real Kennedy contender since his uncle Teddy unsuccessfully ran in 1980. Does he have what it takes to win? Probably not, since the Democratic establishment is content with running a geriatric who 77% of Americans think is too old to be president. But if RFK Jr. knows anything, it’s adversity. Whether it’s the struggle of sleeping with too many beautiful women or being born into one of the richest and most famous American political dynasties of the last century, Kennedy can do it. But when he’s not philandering or claiming vaccines cause autism, is he peddling good merch? Let’s see.
Kennedy, much like the other candidates, is pawning off the usual selections, but he has a number of things to make him stick out from the rest of the pack. First off is his summer selection, a tasteful menagerie of swimming trunks, one-piece swimsuits, beach towels and tank tops for showing off those guns. His hat selection goes beyond baseball caps and includes trucker hats and beanies of varying colors. He’s selling youth sizes to indoctrinate the kids, classic Kennedy buttons, Kennedy ‘24 flyers for you to share with your friends, and most intriguing of all, six different posters of varying degrees of “dear leader-ness.”
Overall, I’d say this is a really great merch shop. The website is fun and easy to navigate, the standard fare is present while also providing quite a few unique editions to make Kennedy’s shop stand out. There are a good variety of colors to choose from (looking at you, Perry) and the whole operation is well run, unlike Kennedy’s campaign, which I expect will run about as well as an Oldsmobile stuck in the water.
Grade: A (A Well-Designed Page with Plenty of Unique and Fun Selections)
Link To Shop: Team Kennedy (kennedy24.com)
Mike Pence as “The Least Interesting Man in the World”
The Human Fly Catcher Himself, former Vice President Pence is taking a stab at winning the presidency, but can he do it? His name recognition has put him above the other Republicans at the bottom of the polls scrounging for the nomination, but he is the most boring and milquetoast man to run for the presidency since Mitt Romney. Maybe his fine wares can convince you to vote for him?
Much like the other old white dudes seeking the Republican nomination, Pence has opted for an ensemble so white, you’d be forgiven for thinking it’s a Hallmark original. Again, we have shirts, signs and, um… Stetsons? Ok they’re just trucker hats, but it was alliterative. He also has the same damn golf set as Hutchinson (retroactively dock Hutchinson a point for not being as original as I thought). Sorry Mike, but this set is looking really weak.
Despite having two good slogans to work with, they alone cannot carry what is ultimately a bland and boring gift shop for all 10 Mike Pence enthusiasts. I hate to be too honest, Mr. Vice President, but I don’t like Mike’s merch shop. Pass!
Grade: C- (Good Slogans, but No Variety or Excitement)
Link To Shop: Official Mike Pence for President Merchandise (winred.com)
Vivek Ramaswamy as “Da Vek”
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Much like the man he is so clearly trying to mimic, Vivek Ramaswamy is a political outsider who is marketing himself as Donald Trump, but half his age. He has surged in the polls and has garnered a lot of fans, despite the fact that his debate performance was on par with an annoying, yappy little dog. He is an anti-Big Pharma pharmaceutical company founder and asset manager when he’s not moonlighting as “Da Vek” a D-list rapper who covers Eminem songs, even at political rallies in Iowa in front of the whitest group of honkies you could imagine. Can the businessman sell us on his product? Let’s find out!
Let’s just address the elephant in the room: Vivek loves shirts. He has more shirts than any candidate seen thus far, with a whole host of differing designs, with many playing off his name to good effect, such as “Vek-torius” or using symbols of Americana, such as “The New American Dream” and “Don’t Tread on Vek.” All-in-all, there are over a dozen different designs of varying colors to choose from. Now that’s variety, people!
He’s also selling tons of different bumper stickers, hats, buttons, mugs… and those goddamn membership cards! Vivek, why are you and the geezers the only ones selling these worthless trinkets? And yours are at a premium, too. $50 dollars for a platinum Vivek knob-slobberers card? Well, if anyone could sell ice to an Eskimo, as it were, it’s the businessman.
Despite his cringe factor teetering on being unbearable, Ramaswamy’s businessman roots show that he is indeed capable of setting up a fine shop, especially if you love t-shirts as much as he does. What he lacks in variety of items, he makes up for by being really good at the t-shirt game (with the exception of the Mucho Texto). This is a specialized business as opposed to a generalized one. The only thing missing is Da Vek’s fire mixtape; I bet people would pay good money for that, and it would only be moderately less embarrassing to own than the Vivek platinum card.
Grade: B+ (A Shit Ton of Shirts and Mostly Great Designs, Held Back by Hokeyness)
Link To Shop: Vivek for 2024 Official Store (winred.com)
Tim Scott as “Uncle Tim”
I really feel bad for Tim Scott. The junior senator from South Carolina is a black conservative, so like Thomas Sowell and Clarence Thomas, he is mercilessly attacked with some of the most obscene and racist insults and slurs imaginable, all by those who claim to be anti-racist activists. But this isn’t a pity party, the slow-talking Senator is seeking to succeed to senile standard-bearer of these star-spangled states by running for the Republican nomination. Will Tim Thumb here secure the nomination? Better yet, will he secure a big payout from his merch?
Scott has a decently sized selection, nothing too impressive, but the theming and designs go for a “quality over quantity” approach. Tiny Tim is peddling four main collections: Tim Scott ‘24, OpTIMism, Faith, and Great Scott. He’s even got some unique products we somehow haven’t seen before, such as a sunglasses strap and socks with Tim’s face on them. Tim Socks! Brilliant!
Tim’s selection comes in a variety of colors, and he has some great, unique items that seem like no brainers for other candidates, like socks. The theme of “Faith” pairs with his conservative Christian image, the “OpTIMism” collection is a great “less is more” use of his name, and the “Great Scott” collection uses a popular pre-existing property to, pardon the pun, great effect. Also, I love the socks. Why haven’t more people gone for fun socks? Excellent work, Senator.
Grade: A- (Quality Over Quantity with Some Truly Memorable Designs)
Link To Shop: Tim Scott Store (winred.com)
Donald Trump as “Cheeto Hitler”
Well, if it isn’t America’s most polarizing president! To some, he’s the second coming of Christ himself, the god-emperor here to save America from the corrupt, demonic and pedophilic swamp. To others, he’s the embodiment of all that is wrong with this country; a racist, sexist, homophobic criminal who attempted to overthrow our government and install himself as dictator. Put all that aside for now, I know, it’s hard. Let’s see what gear the man who may be the first politician to run from a jail cell since Eugene Debs is offering.
As anyone with a brain could have told you, Trump has turned his mugshot into merch, with an entire “Never Surrender” line. He has a “45-47” line, with the plan being to become the next Grover Cleveland. He has a “Veterans for Trump” collection, as well as numerous “Team Trump” collections for the first four primary states of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Nevada. Finally, he has what I can only describe as a “Meme” collection, full of random assorted memes made into merch, ranging from Joe Biden being depicted as a marionette controlled by China, Trump with a crown and smugly smiling, “Joe Biden owes me gas money” stickers, and a shirt with Trump and the White House saying “home sweet home.” There is yuge variety, including t-shirts, long-sleeves, hats, koozies, signs, flags, buttons, bumper stickers, and mugs. To allude to Agent Orange’s quote, he does indeed have the biggest merch shop.
Whether you love him or hate him, Trump has the best merch on offer. You simply can’t compete. The variety: staggering. The designs: incredible. The memes: hilarious. He’s the only one with a truly iconic article, the MAGA hat. Despite your feelings on it, everyone knows what a MAGA hat is upon immediate inspection. Despite his flaws (and they are innumerable), I cannot, in good faith, say Dorito Mussolini has anything less than the best merch. Guy lives like a YouTube star, he knows how to sling merch like no other. It’s no contest. He may not be my preferred candidate, but I cannot deny that he has the best merch.
Grade: A+ (When it Comes to Selling Merch, No One Beats the Teflon Don)
Link To Shop: Official MAGA Gear (winred.com)
Marianne Williamson as “Crystal Grandma”
To be completely transparent with you all, I’m really not sure who is asking for Marianne Williamson to run. For those who don’t know her, which is most of you, she’s like your werido aunt who’s really into crystals, astrology and alternative medicine. She is a self-help author (Red Flag #1) who was Oprah’s “spiritual advisor” (Red Flag #2) after she went to college in California to study philosophy and theater (Red Flag #3). She unsuccessfully ran for the Democratic nomination in 2020, and by golly, she’s gonna do it again in 2024!
Credit where credit is due, her merch makes good use of light blues and muted reds, differentiating her merchandise from the rest of the pack, despite still being the standard fare. There are no self-help books for sale, however.
In the end, unique and eye-grabbing colors can only get you so far. The pitiful selection and whopping two whole designs get tiresome, fast. This is a pretty weak showing; might I suggest some Marianne Williamson themed crystals or astrology charts? For such a unique and kooky out-there candidate, you’d think there would be more interesting items to buy. Maybe Williamson should read a self-help book on how to get elected president.
Grade: D+ (The Colors Are Nice, but Everything Else is Lame)
Link To Shop: Marianne Williamson for President 2024 – Store | Marianne 2024
The Tier List
This is the final visualized tier list for 1) the sake of having a clear visual of where they all rank in terms of merch stores and 2) for you sonsabitches who skipped to the end of the article so you didn’t have to read. Lazy bastards. Feel free to make your own by clicking here.
I hope you enjoyed this very special 2024 Presidential Election merch-off! Did your corrupt politician of choice have the best merch, or will you be sending him/her a very strongly worded letter to get better goods? Just remember, this election is more than just a game.
Mark great article but I can’t support this. I can’t believe you would put Trump Merch on your article- disgusting