Potpourri for $1600, Alex
Fordham Furries Club, Bud Light's Comeback, Keystone Kop vs. Acorn, and The Help: Massachusetts Edition
The Piss Water Chronicles
Remember when Bud Light was a man’s drink? And I mean real, working men like cowboys, cops, construction workers, and bikers. Now it’s some damn sissy liberal drink for the other kind of cowboys, cops, construction workers and bikers! Ever since that frumpy wench Alissa Heinerscheid became VP of Marketing at Bud Light and said she wanted to get rid of the quote-unquote “fratty” and “out of touch” image of the brand by sending custom cans to transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney, devout congregants of the Church of Bud have been made social pariahs in bars across the nation. Now they can’t even drink their water with a splash of beer without being called “gay” by the boys! This is an outrage!
Of course, I’m being tongue in cheek here. I never particularly cared for the piss water, even before you’d be called a gaybo for drinking it. But Anheuser-Busch has paid dearly for this severe inability to read the damn room, and has seen a considerable drop in the market shares, at times as drastic as 30%. Conservatives across the country were furious about a one-time promotion with a TikTok influencer (who only even posted the story on their own page) and decided to organize the only successful conservative boycott of my lifetime. Was this over the top? Yes. Were the people at Bud Light smoking crack when they thought this was a smart decision, given their brand image and customer base? Probably.
But this boycott may soon come to an end, as mere days before the Super Bowl, Donald Trump posted on his Truth Social account that maybe conservatives should give Bud another chance and understand that Anheuser-Busch is not a woke company. If you listen closely, you can hear a faint “cha-ching” as old Donny shills for the beer giant. This isn’t surprising, however, as the company has a long history of donating to the GOP, and they want their old market back. They’ve course corrected so hard in the other direction with their latest ads and avoidance of left-wing issues like the plague that I’m waiting for a commercial where Bud tells us that they’ve been recycling all their empties from across the nation to build the wall.
But will this be enough? It doesn’t seem like it, as many right-wingers feel betrayed by Trump endorsing the gayest beer in the world and some have said they still demand an apology from Anheuser-Busch. An apology? For what? I’m not gonna lie, asking for a corporation to apologize for offending your delicate sensibilities sounds way gayer than anything the company ever did (My lawyers have advised me to clarify that that was a joke). I can’t predict the future, but all I know is if the Clydesdales coming back for the Super Bowl ad doesn’t save Bud, then I don’t know what will.
Least Racist Bostonians
This is it folks. It’s only February and we already have a contender for least self-aware person of the year. With the ongoing invasion of our border by millions of foreign nationals, some NIMBYists have decided to abandon their long-held belief of making everyone else suffer for their benefit by so graciously taking in some of the cold and huddled masses, as it were. Thank you for your extreme charity and generous heart. Truly, we are not worthy to even set foot in your presence; your moral fortitude is much greater than mine. Just ignore the fact we wouldn’t even be in this situation if it weren’t for people like you voting to encourage and allow this human trafficking and creation of a massive serf class in America.
Anyhow, Lisa Hillenbrand, no doubt of the Brahmin class, has taken in a Haitian family to her $1 million+ Brookline abode, and she is just giddy at the prospect of this impoverished woman being her “personal chef.” Jesus lady, read the room. She looks like the face of a German propaganda poster with her blonde hair and blue eyes in her ludicrously large apartment, and she is using this destitute Haitian woman as the help. Congratulations on bragging about your indentured servant. 13th Amendment? Never heard of it! Leave it to some out of touch elite to think the optics of this was in any way positive. Can’t wait for the new TikTok trend to be about showing off your slaves! Christ, this is the worst timeline.
My Alma Mater Goes a Step Too Far
Look, I’ve had my disagreements with Fordham University in the past. My alma mater and I have certainly taken different stances on political issues, felt differently about how to best allocate funding, or had different opinions on what constitutes food fit for human consumption, but this is where I draw the line. Every so often, Instagram will recommend you new pages to follow based on your own followers. I follow a lot of Fordham related pages, and to my shock, one day I saw this abomination pop up. Below was my honest reaction.
After bleaching my eyes, morbid curiosity got the better of me, so I looked to see what in God’s name was going on here. I found out that this was a new club trying to get up off the ground, and to my shock, more than zero people were interested and following the page. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been too shocked, the school is in New York City after all. Look, I have a fairly live-and-let-live kind of attitude about people’s personal sexual lives. I don’t care if you’re gay, kinky or whatever. As long as it only involves consenting adults, it really doesn’t concern me. However, I have to draw a line somewhere, and this weird, perverted degeneracy is a good place to start. A distinction can be made between alternative lifestyles and deviancy that perverts and distorts the broader culture, sinking society further into the abyss.
Why do you want to have sex with an animal, either real or animated? Why do you think you’re an animal? I’m 1000% onboard with the Oklahoma state legislator who drafted a bill which would ban furry clubs at schools and force either parents or animal control to remove any student from the school who violated the provision. Look, there comes a point where the sensible and rational adults need to put their feet down and say enough is enough. The inmates are running the asylum right now and this type of weird, degenerate behavior needs to stop. People who legitimately think they are animals, or who engage in or fantasize about bestiality are mentally ill. It’s not a hobby, or even a kink at that point; it’s either a perverted fetish or an obvious case of mental instability. These people need serious mental help, not encouragement.
That’s Not in Acorn-dance with the Law!
Let’s end things on a funny story. Watch the video first, I beg you. You will be rolling on the floor laughing at this shit.
Okay, so what the hell was that? Well, here’s the story. So the male cop (the first point of view in the video) is Deputy Jesse Hernandez of the Okaloosa Sheriff’s Department, and the female officer (the second POV) is Sergeant Beth Roberts. The pair had just apprehended a man who was alleged by the woman seen in the halter-top of sending her threatening text messages.
The apprehended male was in the backseat of the squad car that Hernandez walks past. But that’s when it happened, an acorn fell on the car, and somehow this deputy thought he was being fired upon by the dude who presumably just patted down, handcuffed, and locked in the back of the cruiser. You can tell he thinks it was him, as after he does his wack-ass, triple Tacti-Cool™ roll, he mag dumps 15 rounds out of his SIG P320 into the backseat of his own car. He also collapses to the ground claiming to have been hit before crawling to the other side of the street to avoid the non-existent return fire.
The video cuts to Sgt. Roberts’ perspective where she heard Deputy Hernandez’s call of “shots fired” and responded by asking where and then proceeding to fire from her own weapon at the vehicle. Hilariously, you can see Deputy Hernandez crawling away like he’s Tim Curry in Home Alone 2. While neither were criminally charged, Deputy Hernandez’s use of force was found “not objectively reasonable” and he resigned his post. Sgt. Roberts on the other hand, was exonerated. I get why, she heard her partner yelling “shots fired” and “I’m hit” and saw him shooting at the car, though it doesn’t really look good generally to empty your mag and then go, “Where is he?”
The guy in the car, Marquis Jackson, said in a Facebook post following the event,
“All I could do was lean over and play dead to prevent getting shot in the head. I was scared to death and I knew all I could depend on was God! I ignored everything and prayed! Windows were shattering on me the whole time as bullets continued flying across me. I was blessed not to get hit by any bullets or get hurt physically but mentally, I’m not ok.”
Now I know people these days throw around the term PTSD all willy-nilly, but I think he has a pretty good case here. This man probably didn’t even hear the acorn and then all of a sudden he’s being blasted by a hail of gunfire.
Now, I’m not one of those privileged “defund the police” morons who lead such cushy and out of touch lives to think that’s a good idea, but seriously, what the hell happened here? I cannot for the life of me explain what was going through the deputy’s head during this whole ordeal. The logic just doesn’t add up. Here’s hoping the Okaloosa Sheriff’s Department does a better job screening and training Deputy Hernandez’s replacement.