The Taylor Swift Super Bowl Viewing Spectacular Extravaganza™
Brought to you by CBS, the NFL, Pfizer, Anheuser-Busch, Temu, Homes.com, Paramount+, Morgan Stanley...
It’s that most wonderful time of year again where America continues her 58-year winning streak as the world champions of American football. That’s what I call American exceptionalism, baby! Anyhow, I’m sure you watched the game, as every red-blooded American did, and you have been anxiously awaiting my witty and oftentimes irreverent commentary on the spectacle. Well, I aim to deliver folks, so let’s jump right in first with…
The Game
Of course, the most important part of the Super Bowl was the gridiron match between this year’s contenders: the defending champions the Kansas City Chiefs, and the challengers the San Francisco 49ers. Why, we haven’t seen a match up like this in at least 4 years! The plucky and spunky 49ers took an early lead under the command of game manager and Mr. Irrelevant himself Brock Purdy, but unfortunately for them, Kermit the Frog’s Patrick Mahomes’ Chiefs came back from their 10 point deficit to eventually tie the game, 19-19 at the end of the fourth.
For only the second time in Super Bowl history, the game went into overtime, but this time with the new rules established during the 2022 off season, both teams were given the opportunity to posses the ball, and boy did this screw over the 49ers who managed to only score a field goal in their first drive. With this, Kansas City was given the opportunity to outright win by scoring a touchdown. Despite some initial fears they would be stopped before getting a single first down, Mahomes was able to rally his squad and make his way down the field where he ultimately threw a touchdown pass to wide receiver Mecole Hardman, winning them Superbowl LVIII and earning the Chiefs their 4th Lombardi Trophy and their 3rd with the Mahomes-Kelce-Reid trifecta.
Once again, the most hated team in America has won, making this the first back-to-back Super Bowl win since the Patriots won in ‘03 and ‘04. The Chiefs have now won 3 of the last 5 Super Bowls and without a doubt, this triumvirate will go down in football history as one of the greatest of all time, and they still seemingly have years to go to make that record even more impressive. As a Patriots fan myself, it’s nice seeing someone else don the role of villain of the league, but I also do not want my precious Pats’ legendary record to be bested by the Muppet, the Walrus and Taylor Swift’s boyfriend. Speaking of, on my broadcast of the event at least, the camera only gave us a “Live Taylor Feed’ 14 times over the course of the nearly 75-minute long game, or about once every 5 minutes. Actually, never mind, that’s way too much.
I found myself rooting for the 49ers this time, but alas, they just couldn’t do it, and have now lost the 3rd consecutive Super Bowl they’ve appeared in. Yikes. At the very least, I think the younger-than-me Brock Purdy has proven himself to be more than the write off he was apparently destined to be as the last pick in the 2022 draft. His o-line couldn’t protect him from the Chiefs defense, particularly defensive tackle Chris Jones. He has many years to go to win a title and make a name for himself, but it is getting harder to have faith in the 49ers when they keep coming short and again and again. Only time will tell what the future has in store for Purdy & Co.
Now For a Commercial Break…
Now all of my non-football inclined readers can breath a sigh of relief; we’re finally getting to the good stuff! Well, I hate to say it, but most of this year’s Super Bowl commercials were pretty weak, but I will cover all the good ones. No hesitation, let’s get to the first one:
This Movie Looks Wicked Bad
Please don’t come for my throat theater kids, but I don’t give a shit about Wicked. The premise is so uninspired and derivative. It’s like “what if the Wicked Witch was…misunderstood?” No, you creatively bankrupt hack, that’s not as interesting or deep as you think it is. A lot of film studios have been riding this bandwagon for a while now where they take a classic villain character and make them a lovable, misunderstood victim who was forced into this way of life, all while the so-called “heroes” of the original stories are the true villains! See films like Maleficent and Cruella as examples of this vapid and trite concept.
This trailer is for the first part of an “epic duology” of films based on the play which is based on a book which itself is a derivative fan-fiction of a film which is based on a book. This film is a great argument against public domain, but that’s for another time. I guess the point I’m trying to make is the film looks like a stinking, festering pile of CGI dog shit with some questionable choices of actors (like who the fuck was asking for Ariana Grande to be Glinda the Good Witch?). Oh, and I can only imagine L. Frank Baum’s racist ass is spinning in his grave at the thought of a black woman playing the Wicked Witch, especially now that she’s the hero.
A Dove in the Hand is Worth Girls Still in Sports
Dove’s ad starts out strong with some AFHV-level slapstick as multiple children eat shit and fall to the tune of Annie’s “It’s a Hard Knock Life” and I must say, it had my attention. Then it gets serious as Dove informs us that tripping and falling doesn’t stop girls from playing sports, and it’s actually “low body confidence” that is the real driver of 45% of girls quitting sports by age 14. Of course, Dove doesn’t mention that about 25% of boys do the same, but I’m just being a pedantic asshole.
Believe it or not, Dove actually does have a study to back them up, but the primary reason given for kids quitting sports is actually that “it’s just not fun anymore” and having been to my siblings’ various sports games growing up, I can see why. A concerning number of grown adults are liable to throw tantrums and scream at officials, coaches and small children over a little league game, and it’s baffling to me. I can understand why kids don’t want to deal with it. But in all fairness to Dove, self-image is the other main factor in why kids, not just girls, stop playing sports. In fact, the same study showed that 70% of kids stop playing sports by the time they’re 14. While I appreciate what the soap-peddlers are doing here, the bigger issue is far and away the all-encompassing nature of screens and the lack of outdoor activity by all children.
Football or Foot Fetish?
He Gets Us, the controversial Christian advertising company, is back at it again with another controversial ad following last year’s equally bizarre campaign with this one themed around feet. Before any amateur theologians in the comments say anything, I am well aware of Jesus’ washing of the feet on Holy Thursday, but come on, the jokes just write themselves here. With ever-growing world of creepy online foot fetishists, I fear this ad about loving thy neighbor is going to attract the wrong kinds of people for the wrong reasons. I shudder to imagine what Jesus would think about overweight perverts on the internet rubbing one out to this commercial. For these people, the tagline at the end has an entirely different meaning. “He washed feet. He gets us.” Gross.
Besides that elephant in the room, I think this is yet another miss from the He Gets Us campaign. It is supposed to be about humility, understanding and compassion, but it comes across as weirdly condescending, as the wash-ees are almost always looking down smugly at the washers, who in turn almost always represent the conservative side of the social issue being addressed.
Of the 12 total images, I only get the social cause being addressed in 7 of them, and in all of those, it’s the cop washing the feet of the criminal, the evil oil driller washing the feet of the climate protestor, the stupid suburban white woman washing the feet of the illegal immigrant, the thieving white man washing the feet of the native, the priest washing the feet of the most stereotypical gay man I’ve ever seen, etc. etc. The other 5 are either apolitical like a son washing his dad’s feet or a popular girl washing some punk rock girl’s feet, or are just two old dudes with both their feet in a basin. I can only assume this ad campaign is to get the atheist liberals to pick up a Bible and learn them some Jesus, but that seems like a fool’s errand to me. The whole ad is extremely cringey to watch and I hope to God He Gets Us goes bankrupt come Super Bowl LIX.
Hey! I’m Walken Here!
Finally, an actually funny ad with everyone’s favorite eclectic actor Christopher Walken. The premise of everyone in Walken’s life doing shitty Christopher Walken impressions and that being his own personal hell is amusing to me. Plus, you get Usher making a fourth wall-breaking reference to how he has somewhere else to be, i.e. the halftime show. It’s doubly funny to me as a Bond fan because his character of Max Zorin in 1985’s A View to a Kill is described as having “no discernible accent”… despite Walken’s strange accent and manner of speaking being so iconic that the entire premise of this ad is based around it. Good job, BMW, the laughs I got out of this almost makes up for the whole Nazi collaborators thing.
Morgan Stanley’s Demon Babies
That’s the whole joke. This could’ve been cute and funny if they didn’t give the babies creepy CGI mouths that slot them right into the deepest part of the Uncanny Valley. I strongly dislike these abominations, and I hope I never see them again. However, I do agree with the premise: pickleball is for weenies.
A Kennedy Classic for a New Era
To make a football reference, this ad was seemingly a hail Mary attempt at getting RFK Jr.’s dying campaign off the ground, but it instead raised eyebrows and embarrassed him. The older among us might recognize the iconic commercial from JFK’s presidential run in 1960, and the observant among us will notice Eunice Kennedy Shriver, the late president’s sister, as appearing in the ad. Her son, Bobby Shriver, along with other members of the Kennedy family, have come out and denounced this ad as using the likeness of dead Kennedys to push RFK Jr.’s political agenda that they don’t agree with. In all fairness to Kennedy, he has apologized publicly to his family and said that the ad was produced without his involvement by a super PAC. Man, Kennedy family Thanksgiving must be the most awkward dinner imaginable.
On Hallowed Grounds
The second Christian-themed ad this game was much better than the first, and this time it was for the prayer app Hallow, featuring Jonathan Roumie, or Jesus of The Chosen, and Mark Wahlberg, or Jesus of Dorchester. Now that the Patriots are the laughing stock of the AFC East, Marky Mark won’t be at the Super Bowl anymore, but by golly you’re still gonna see him during the game one way or another, unless you’re a Vietnamese dude, then you’re not gonna be seeing much of anything after running into him. Overall, I’d say this is a much better ad than He Gets Us; the world can definitely use some prayer these days.
Oui Oui Etsy, Fromage et Merci
Alright Etsy, this cutesy version of Franco-American history made me laugh, but only because of my utter contempt for the French people (I am a self-hating Frenchman). The idea that the Americans would be greeted amicably by the French upon arriving in their stinking city is already laughable, but the fact they all get giddy over a cheese platter the Americans bought on Etsy is beyond hysterical. Given the fact a goddamn mime shows up in the crowd of licentious frogs is the crème de la crème, to borrow a phrase from our Frankish friends. Given how stereotypical these fictitious Frenchmen are, I have half a mind to think the fine folks at Etsy harbor as deep a disdain as I do for America’s biggest critics, and for that, I salute them. Bravo!
American Football: Brought to You by Chinese Scam Sites
Five times. Five friggin’ times I had to sit through this God-awful Temu bullshit. This ad legitimately looks like it was AI generated, and why does the black lady in the intro turn into a white lady? What is this, reverse Rachel Dolezal? Temu is, at best, a less than trustworthy e-commerce site, and at worst, an outright scam. Imagine if Amazon was twice as sketchy, sold counterfeit and possibly even illegal items, and half the time your package didn’t ever arrive. That’s the Temu experience! But hey, if you’re willing to gamble some petty cash on mostly counterfeit or stolen made-in-China garbage, then don’t let me stop you, king. As for my professional advice, I’d say avoid this shit like the plague and remember the old adage: if it looks too good to be true, then it probably is.
The most concerning part to me is that this company that isn’t even accredited by the Better Business Bureau is able to even purchase ad space during the biggest sporting event of the year. I’m glad our corporate overlords at the NFL and CBS are willing to push this scam on their customers for a quick buck, or should I say a quick yuan?
Paramount+: The Most Ambitious Crossover Since Infinity War
I don’t think I could’ve imagined a more unorthodox and baffling crossover if I had been in a hallucinogenic trance while high on bath salts and ayahuasca. Never in my life would I have imagined seeing a commercial with Sir Patrick Stewart, Drew Barrymore, Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa, Master Chief, Arnold Shortman, Peppa Pig, Dora the Explorer, Knuckles the Echidna, Jeff Probst and the greatest band of all time (Creed) all featuring in a zany story where Arnold (lovingly called “football head” by his bully/secret admirer Helga Pataki) is used as a literal football by Captain Picard of Star Trek fame to ascend “Paramount Mountain.” What a treat for lovers of all kinds of television entertainment. This is how you make a good Super Bowl commercial: spectacle, big names, surreal humor, and memeable moments. This wins the award for best ad this year; it’s a shame I’m still not gonna get a subscription to Paramount+.
I Pity the Fool Who Wears Skechers
Here’s another actually decent commercial featuring Tony Romo (who, if we’re going by the Usher rules of earlier, ran out of the booth to make an appearance in this house before sprinting back to Allegiant Stadium to continue color commentating over the game) and clearly 71-year-old Mr. T using his name as a chuckle-inducing set up for Skechers (there never was a “t” in Skechers, fool, and I pity you for ever thinking that).
I have a soul, so I found Laurence’s antics amusing as he does all this ludicrously tough-guy shit that he was know for back in the day, but this time he’s shuffling around in front of a green screen. It’s doubly funny now seeing as he’s gotten older and less toned, and his legs are weirdly hairless like he was originally cast for the Dove commercial we saw earlier. Still, it’s always good to see B.A. Baracus on screen, and the slip-in shoes being advertised are perfect for a geezer like him. He’s an American icon, and as a fan of classic WWF and 80’s movies, he’ll always hold a place in my heart. Now if only he could’ve given Romo the old Clubber Lang special, then I could’ve been persuaded into buying some Skechers.
The Latifah-izer
Wait, that’s not Denzel! Alright, I can only suspend my disbelief so much. It was already pushing impossible to believe that 90lb soaking wet Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde could single-handedly kick the asses of a dozen trained KGB agents, but now I’m expected to believe that 50+ year-old Queen Latifah can do the same? No hate towards Latifah, but I find it hard to believe this, shall we say, less-than-fit middle aged woman could be fighting off hordes of mooks in hand-to-hand combat.
You’ll have to forgive me since I don’t watch much television, but I thought this was a trailer for a new series, not for the fourth season of an existing one. If it’s been green lit for this many seasons, then maybe I’m wrong and people really like this show, or maybe it’s Maybelline, I don’t friggin’ know. Personally, I’m gonna stick to Denzel and the film series of the same name. Gotta support my fellow Fordham Alum!
KIA: Tearjerker or Electric Vehicle Fantasy?
So this KIA ad for their EV9 is clearly supposed to pull at your heartstrings and make you weep like a baby, but much like Queen Latifah doing a tornado kick, I struggle to believe this ad. You mean to tell me this dude drives his electric KIA SUV up through the snowy mountain roads for presumably hours, gets to his old crippled dad’s house (why does this disabled geriatric man live like J.D. Salinger out in the wilderness?), unloads and sets up a speaker system and hundreds of yards of Christmas lights he happened to have (all while his car is idling), then use his car to power said doohickeys so Pop-Pop can watch his granddaughter figure skate? And he does that on a single charge of an electric car? I call bullshit. Better hope the winter weather doesn’t take out the no-doubt singular power line to this mountain retreat, or this man and his little girl are are going to be stranded and will likely freeze to death since it doesn’t look like Gramps has a car, not that he’d be able to use one anyway. This is the perfect opportunity for a competitor to release a sequel commercial which follows a Donner Party-like story where the sole survivor is rescued by some hero in a gas-power car that can actually still function when the power goes out and can be refilled anywhere. Someone, please make it happen!
Overtime
Overall, this was a pretty mid Super Bowl, not gonna lie. The commercials were mostly bland, the halftime performance was passable but nothing spectacular, and the game was giving serious Rams v. Patriots Super Bowl LIII vibes. Though I do gotta shout out the funniest thing to happen all game, which was 49ers’ Jake Moody making a Super Bowl record-setting 55-yard field goal only to have that record taken from him two quarters later by the Chiefs’ Harrison Butker after he kicked a field goal at 57 yards. That might be the shortest-lived record of all time. Womp womp.
I’m not someone who believes that the NFL is scripted, but damn did it sure play out like one. The Chiefs’ second half comeback and overtime victory culminating with a celebration of America’s most famous power couple who have brought the NFL approximately a gazillion dollars in revenue really feels like a sports movie where you follow the scrappy and lovable underdogs the whole time but at the big game in the end they get curb-stomped by the team with better players and more funding. There’s not always a storybook ending in real life, it would seem.