Why Should I Subscribe to You?

You’re handsome and/or beautiful, aren’t you? Intelligent too, no doubt. And might I add, rather ravishing. So why wouldn’t you want to subscribe and join this elite group of the most intelligent, witty, charismatic, attractive and interesting people who make up my subscriber base? I love that top by the way, it looks very good on you, Michael. I bet if your name is Michael, you just checked over your shoulder to see if I was there. Don’t worry, I’m not. At least not right now. Did I mention how peaceful you look when you sleep?

You Like Emails, Don’t You?

By signing up with your email, every new article I diligently and meticulously craft for days, nay weeks, on end gets delivered straight to your inbox by magical elves through the power of the World Wide Web, or as us youth refer to it: the information superhighway. It’s like those really helpful emails you get from companies thrice a day, except not nearly as regularly as those.

Join the Cult Community

Be part of our intellectually diverse, fiercely loyal, and ever-expanding cult community. We welcome new members with open arms. Substack gives me the option to create a paywall for my content and subscriptions to my page, but I will never ask you for money to read my work. Why do I do this? Is it out of the goodness of my heart? It is because I believe the spreading of my ideas is a noble cause that shouldn’t be slowed by the collection of tithes from potential readers? No, it’s because not even I would pay for my own writing, so who the f*ck else would?