The Face of Evil: How Power Corrupts the Very Soul of Man
Friends, for over 60 years we have been lied to. Those with power have taken advantage of us in ways unimaginably cruel by playing with our trust and our financial security. We have been made a fool by a man so devious and criminal, but we have all been none the wiser. I cannot, in good faith, keep this information to myself any longer. What I say here may jeopardize my career, my family, my own life, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. For decades, this… “man” has violated countless laws, mistreated his supposed allies, and may have potentially murdered someone in cold blood. This is your last warning, your final opportunity to escape with your blissful ignorance, should you so choose. I give you the scum in question here:
The Defendant
This war criminal is “Captain” Horatio Magellan Crunch. He is fighting his own war and he has no rules. No boundaries. He doesn't flinch at torture, human trafficking, or genocide. He's not loyal to a flag or country or any set of ideals. He trades blood for money; a mad-dog killer for the highest bidder. When not committing perfidy, he’s betraying his closest friends and murdering old rivals for shits and giggles. He is in violation of numerous laws, not the least of which is piracy, and he is peddling edible glass shards to children for them to slice the roofs of their mouths open. Let us put forward the charges against the defendant.
The Charges
Piracy
Take a good look at Crunch’s ship, the SS Guppy, and you’ll notice a distinct lack of a national flag. Stateless ships on the high seas like this are typically either slavers, pirates, or other nefarious ne’er-do-wells. Under U.S. Code: Title 18, Chapter 81 §1651, anyone who commits piracy and is later found in the United States shall be imprisoned for life. Of course, this is only the beginning our this criminal scum’s high crimes, and first in a long list of charges against him.
Stolen Valor
Perhaps the most distasteful and dishonorable of the faux “Captain’s” crimes are his numerous violations of the Stolen Valor Act of 2013. I present to you these two images here. Tell me what you notice:
As you can no doubt see, our “Captain” Crunch here has the sleeve stripes of a Naval Commander, and curiously, not a captain. “But wait,” I hear the defense say, “it is only stolen valor if he is wearing a U.S. Navy uniform.” “But oh,” I retort; “he is.” While his garb does not look like modern naval attire, it is a match to 19th century naval uniforms. From his bicorn hat and epaulets on his shoulders, to his white trousers and blue coat, he has seemingly stolen his uniform from an Army-Navy store, possibly another misdemeanor to add to his long list of crimes.
Horatio here has defended himself by giving the following response to fellow muckrakers who have questioned his legitimacy, saying:
A cute defense for a dad on his fishing skiff, but unfortunately for you, you sugar-peddling fuck, that doesn’t apply. You aren’t a Naval Officer. In fact, U.S. Navy Lt. Commander Sarah Flaherty had this to say about your perjury:
"Oddly, our personnel records do not show a ‘Cap’n Crunch’ who currently serves or has served in the Navy."
So not only is Horatio Magellan Crunch exaggerating his military rank, but he is lying altogether about his nonexistent military service. Dear reader, I posit you this: do you know a friend or loved who who has served or is serving in our armed forces? Are they not heroes for all the incredible work they do, for putting their lives on the line to defend you and I and our freedoms from those who wish to take them from us? Now look at this crusty old seaman, disrespecting and degrading our men and women at arms. Disgusting.
Need further proof? Look back at his prized frigate, the SS Guppy, which you may notice is not the USS Guppy or the USF Guppy. You see, the SS denotes a civilian ship. Are you proud of yourself, Mr. Crunch, raking in hundreds of millions in sales off your stolen valor? You haven’t even apologized once to the millions of brave men and women who have served this country. You make me sick, you mustachioed bastard. No remorse, no acts of contrition. Looks like this is a case of Oops! All Fraud!
Abandonment and Murder
The crimes don’t end there with this criminal scoundrel, this heartless scallywag, as back in June of 2012, Crunch’s longtime frenemy Jean LaFoote live Tweeted his taking over of the SS Guppy in an attempt to score some of that sweet, sugary cereal. Crunch’s longtime first mate and supposed beloved companion, Sea Dog, heroically saved the day by biting LaFoote’s leg, forcing the feeble Frenchman to jump overboard. But that’s it. It’s been over a dozen years, and we have never heard from Jean, notre petit chou-fleur, again. It seems with his injured leg, he was unable to make it to shore and was dragged unceremoniously to the depths of Davy Jones’ locker.
Mere minutes after this went down, the dastardly hornswoggler Horatio smugly had this to say to his one-time friend (and possibly even lover’s) bloated, waterlogged corpse:
I understand he was trying to steal your ship, but drafting a clap-back while your friend who you sold cereal together with drowns is cold hearted, Horatio. You gotta be some kind of sick fuck to gleefully watch a man die and chuckle to yourself. But that’s not all, oh no no no. Not only is Crunch a cruel and heartless bastard to his rival, but also to his first mate and “constant companion” Sea Dog, who he has seemingly abandoned since 2015 when Sea Dog’s Twitter also went silent. You heard it hear folks, Horatio Magellan Crunch is an animal abuser who abandoned his precious pooch. Don’t even get me started on the band of misfit children who used to accompany the “Captain” on his journeys that have mysteriously disappeared as well. Perhaps he dropped them off on Little Saint James while gallivanting across the seas. I wouldn’t put human trafficking past him.
Sexual Deviancy
What kind of criminal degeneracy would be complete without some perverse pornography peddling by this pernicious, plundering pirate? It’s bad enough to be a murderous liar, but now an OnlyFans model, too? Disgusting. It appears Mr. Crunch has a fetishistic desire to be the subject of public voyeurism, sharing the following lewd photograph with, at time of writing, over 700,000 individuals. These innocent bystanders have been sexually exploited and unwillingly forced to partake in Horatio’s public indecency, all for his masturbatory sexual pleasure. Viewer discretion is advised.
You may have noticed the scoundrel’s new look, which he updated recently, in a pathetic and slimy attempt to save face and pull the wool over the eyes of the good and hardworking American people whom his acts of stolen valor disrespect on a daily basis. This shameless huckster now bares the stripes of a captain in his uncanny CGI homunculus form, but unfortunately for his Oompa Loompa looking-ass, he still has never served the good ole U.S. of A in any official capacity, rendering him a con artist and a criminal degenerate.
The Verdict
Guilty.
As judge, jury and executioner in this case, I am hereby sentencing the lying, thieving, conniving weasel by the name of Horatio Magellan Crunch to death. It’s time to put this cereal killer down like the dog he is. His numerous crimes are unforgivable, and rehabilitation is simply out of the realm of possibility for a monster as cruel and inhumane as he is.
You, Horatio Magellan Crunch, are to go from hence to the place from whence you came, and from thence to the place of execution; where you shall be severally hanged by the neck till you are severally dead, dead, dead! This case is closed.