Readers' Request: Ranking "High School Musical" Songs
A bit out of my usual wheelhouse
I know, I know, this isn’t what I usually write about here, and I don’t intend on this kind of Buzzfeed-esque topic becoming a regular occurrence on the Substack. However, like any good husband, when my wife asks me to do something, I oblige. To that end, I recently decided to indulge in my wife’s hobby, as she so often does in mine, and re-watched the entire High School Musical trilogy with her (none of this High School Musical: The Musical: The Series or High School Musical: The Movie: The Show: The Game: The Squeakquel or whatever the fuck).
My opinions have changed pretty drastically on these films since I last saw them, and Kathleen asked me to share my opinions on the music. I thought it’d be fun, so I’m going to rank each song, taking into account a number of factors, including:
Quality of Music and Lyrics
Dance Choreography
Importance to the Plot
I have a sinking feeling that absolutely no one is going to like this list, so feel free to flame me if you want. These are just like, uh, my opinions, man. So let’s start from the absolute worst which is…
30. Humuhumunukunukuapua'a
High School Musical 2
You may not recognize this song if you only ever saw the original airing of High School Musical 2, as it was cut (for good reason) and was only reinserted into later reruns. It really pains me to put a song from the series’ best character at the bottom, but my God, this song is awful. The choreography is whatever, but this song does not need to exist and serves no purpose in the plot (hence why it was cut). The music is ear-grating and I want to skip this part of the film whenever I watch it. Take all of that and combine it with a borderline offensive Polynesian theme and you’re left with the worst song in a franchise with a lot of bad songs (spoiler alert). Extremely rare Sharpay L.
29. Walk Away
High School Musical 3
Poor Vanessa Hudgens. Not only does her character Gabriella have less and less to do in each movie, but her solo songs are the worst category of songs on average in the series. I like to call these the “Gabriella is Totally Leaving for Real This Time” songs, and third is most definitely the worst in this case. The visuals are bland, with the only thing of interest being the disappearing decorations in her deluxe domicile before she (and her mom??) move out to California to go to Stamford. Oh woe is me, I have to go to one of the most prestigious universities in the country and have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend. Grow up. For a supposedly sad song, this is way too upbeat and happy sounding, but I guess that was to differentiate it from the other two near-identical songs where Gabriella is the most indecisive and wishy-washy person in the cast. Terrible and forgettable song.
28. When There Was Me and You
High School Musical
Here we have yet another stinker from Ms. Montez. “When There Was Me and You” is a terribly boring and uninteresting second act low-point song. I understand that the audio was added in post, but did they need to make that so obvious? Her Muppet mouth is barely syncing with the lyrics, making this substandard solo even more of a slog to watch than to listen. It’s just so boring, I can’t even muster the energy to say anything else about it. I believe the first movie has a decently high average standard of songs, but this sleeping aid drags down that average, as does…
27. What I’ve Been Looking For (Troy & Gabriella)
High School Musical
“What I’ve Been Looking For” is the first, and worst, of the sappy Troy and Gabriella love songs that I fucking loathe. We get it, you like each other. The worst part is that in the film canon, this is supposed to be the obviously better rendition of the piece, as opposed to that bubbly bimbo Sharpay’s obnoxious version. Spoiler alert: this couldn’t be any farther from the truth. I do like that Troy breaks the fourth wall and stares directly at the camera before catching himself (twice!) at 0:45 and 1:09, but I don’t think that was intentional. Boooorrrrring. Skip!
26. Right Here, Right Now
High School Musical 3
Ah, another gushy love ballad, but this time with 3x the budget! At least Zac Efron is actually singing in this one, but the lyrics are so cliché and played out that I can’t bring myself to care. I do have a lot of questions about the choreography and context, however. Can everyone else at the party hear them serenading each other in the ridiculous tree house with an automatic retractable skylight? How does she lose sight of him in the square hut with 3 huge doorways? And I have to ask: why does he say to her that she’s the second girl he’s ever brought up here after his Sabrina Carpenter body pillow or whatever the fuck he claims to save face? Yeah dude, women love being told they aren’t special and that they’re sloppy seconds. No wonder she keeps leaving you over and over and over again.
25. Gotta Go My Own Way
High School Musical 2
This is the best of the “Gabriella is Totally Leaving For Real This Time” sub-genre of songs, but you’ll notice it’s still fifth from the bottom. Like damn bitch, this sure is a dramatic exit for someone who’s going to be back here and with him again TOMORROW. Bruh, she’s not even at school, but still managed to find some lockers to lean up against for the obligatory breakup song. This song also sets up the plot hole of her giving Troy’s narcissistic ass back his dog collar T necklace before somehow miraculously having it back on when she reunites with him. Oops. The only thing I’ll give the song credit for is singing the bridge on an actual bridge. How cute and quirky. I wish they gave Gabriella something to do besides leave Troy’s dog ass in every single movie so she’d have something else to sing about.
24. All For One
High School Musical 2
Why this song has so many stans is something I’ll never understand. Oh sure, it's catchy and summer-y, but I feel nothing listening to this. I don’t like it, but I can’t bring myself to hate it. That would require me to direct any sort of energy to it, and I don’t care enough about this piece to do that. The choreography is very nice, but that’s about the only positive I have. As for plot relevance, this has no reason to exist. This movie’s plot is already terrible and it should have ended with the end of the talent show. Why are we here? Why is Miley Cyrus here? You know what? Her presence breaks my immersion and I’m docking points for that. Fuck off, Disney.
23. Stick to the Status Quo
High School Musical
This song has got to be the most overrated song in the whole franchise. It is baffling to me that people love it so much. Maybe it’s because it’s one of the most musical-y songs, if that makes any sense? And by that I mean it sounds like something from a stage show, unlike a surprisingly high number of other songs from this franchise. Anyway, the lyrics are just insufferable. They are way too on the nose. I understand this is a kid’s movie, but kids aren’t as dumb as you think. They can get the idea that in this bizarro-world, you are only accepted by your alleged “friends” if you only have one hobby or passion without having to spell it out so obnoxiously. This song is bad, end of story. Your boos mean nothing, I’ve seen what makes you cheer. Also, Gabriella’s nachos transmogrify into chili fries midair. Fire the continuity guy.
22. Scream
High School Musical 3
The first of the “Troy Needs to Figure His Shit Out” sub-genre, “Scream” is overflowing with teen angst and impotent rage. I grew up loving Linkin Park and Blink-182, so you’d think I’d like this, but I really, truly don’t. It just isn’t the same, man. This is baby’s first alt rock, and it’s so goddamn corny with its shadowy mood lighting, the spinning hallway as he sings about being confused, and the flashing lightning as he shouts about wanting to scream. I do like when he does his best impression of David Byrne from the “Once in a Lifetime” music video when he talks to himself at 2:32. That’s comedy gold. I like angsty music and I like campy videos on their own, but the two do not mesh very well. Also, the CGI basketballs look terrible. Also also, why the hell is Ms. Darbus sitting by herself in a pitch-black high school auditorium in the middle of the night? Look out Troy, she’s a serial killer on the loose!
21. Bet On It
High School Musical 2
I know I’m gonna get flamed for this, but come on. This song is atrocious and you are lying to yourself if you think otherwise. Oh sure, it’s an ear worm, but in a way more akin to “Baby Shark” than something like “Take On Me.” Look me in the eye and say to me with a straight face that you actually take seriously Troy’s zesty ass yelling at no one and doing fairy princess twirls on a golf course, all while dressed in his edgy, Shadow the Hedgehog colored outfit. Get real, dude. Also, that terrifying reflection of Troy in the water hazard still haunts my nightmares. The best version of this song is the one where someone removed the music. I implore you to watch it here.
20. Everyday
High School Musical 2
Here we have one of the “Exciting Troy & Gabriella Love Songs,” different from the “Sappy Troy & Gabriella Love Songs” due to the fact that they are, for the most part, much better. This one ranks so low for me because it takes way too long to get good. It’s not until literally halfway into the song that it finally becomes worth listening to. Am I the only one who gets televangelist vibes from these two in their all-white outfits, religiously inspired lyrics, and heavenly sky background? It’s so distracting. I half expect when they sing, “And keep the faith,” for them to follow up by turning to camera and saying, “and donaaaaaattttteeeee” like they’re Kenneth and Gloria Copeland.
19. Just Wanna Be With You
High School Musical 3
The choreography is impressive for an in-universe high school musical, but nothing too spectacular. Also, why would Juilliard send not one, but two talent scouts to a random ass high school in Albuquerque? I don’t think so pal. I like the song well enough, but the music is what kills me. It’s all build up, no payoff. It swells up and the tempo rises, but then nothing happens. It’s blue balling me musically. Sure, there’s cute moments, like Gabriella throwing the rose to Kelsi and Troy doing his 90’s heartthrob hair flip, but that’s about it. This one’s fine at best.
18. The Boys Are Back
High School Musical 3
Oh great, another pointless filler song. This one has zero plot relevance and only exists because I guess they had to spend the money somewhere. I like a good song for the fellas, and I really, really want to like this, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Look, I like musicals, and I would even go so far as to say I like these movies, but this shit is too cringe, even for me. It’s trying so hard to be edgy with its grunge sound and macho visuals, but I cannot fathom why. Neither of these characters are edgy or badass, and they’re singing about when they used to be kids and played pretend. What is cool and edgy about that? I’d also love an explanation for the legion of what we can only assume are homeless men who join them for this impromptu dance number. I like the choreography and visuals, and the part where they temporarily revert back to their child selves is admittedly adorable, but that’s about all I like. Also, why does Chad say they’re like “Will Smith and Bobby De Niro” as if they’re also some sort of iconic duo? As far as I’m aware, the only film they’re in together is Shark Tale. What a odd lyrical choice.
17. We’re All in This Together
High School Musical
Now this is a spicy hot take, but I’m gonna say what all you cowards are too afraid to say: the chorus is great and iconic, but the verses suck and are totally unmemorable. This is one of those songs where where people singing along sound like this:
we’re something something…
hmm mmm hmm… la la la…
WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
Go ahead, unless you’re some mega fan, I guarantee you don’t know any of the verses. This is the Travis Kelce of HSM songs: very well known, but unbelievably overrated. I will say, however, that they did a great job of making it sound like a song played at a high school pep rally… it’s just a shame I don’t care for that kind of music. To quote Peter Griffin, “It insists upon itself,” and I do not care for this song as a whole.
16. The Start of Something New
High School Musical
This was the first song in the first movie, so they really needed it to make an impact, and I’d say it did a pretty decent job at that. Like a lot of songs in the first movie, it suffers a bit from being extremely on the nose. Like what are the odds this random karaoke song would so prophetically tell the story of what is, and is going to, happen with the two unwilling participants chosen at random to sing at this kids party? But unlike something like “Stick to the Status Quo,” this song is actually good, so that’s the difference maker. Also, big shout to T & G for magically knowing the words without looking at the monitor about halfway through. They really are natural talents!
15. A Night to Remember
High School Musical 3
This one is so hard for me to rank, as I’m conflicted. I don’t think the song itself is really anything special. The music is just okay. However, the lyrics are funny and, for once in this series, pretty realistic with the boys being less than thrilled about having to put on monkey suits while the girls are ecstatic about choosing what dress to wear to prom. I like the reveal at the end that this was an act in the in-universe musical; very clever. But man, the choreography is amazing in this one, probably one of the best in the franchise. Because of that, this is a song that’s way more fun to watch than listen to, so it’s going right in the middle.
14. Can I Have This Dance
High School Musical 3
Wait! Wait! Wait! Before you grab your torches and pitchforks, can I just say one thing? I don’t think this is a bad song. Far from it, actually. It’s a good song; it is romantic and the dancing is great. It’s just not my cup of tea. I don’t really care for this type of song, which is why I rank other songs from this series higher. See? I’m one of the good ones, please don’t kill me. But I will say, the completely out-of-nowhere rain towards the end puts this number on thin fuckin’ ice. Don’t be so trite and derivative HSM3, you’re better than that. Now I’m gonna give you the real unpopular opinion: if this is your wedding song, you're corny as fuck. Sorry, not sorry. And that’s coming from a guy who had a James Bond song as his wedding song.
13. Bop to the Top
High School Musical
I’m just going to address the elephant in the room now: Yes, that opening with the Spanish is horrific and DEFCON 1 levels of cringe, but after that, the song is really fun and upbeat. The samba styling of the song is truly unique in the series; there’s nothing else like it. I’m sure it’s an unpopular opinion to put this so high on the list, but I like it, and Sharpay is by far the best part of these movies. She’s the only reason anything even happens. Put some goddamn respect on her name. Very unfortunate thumbnail, though. Yikes.
12. What Time is It
High School Musical 2
This is a nice song to capture the feeling of finally starting summer break. School sucks, and summer is a time to be care-free and just enjoy life. It’s very upbeat, catchy and gives all of our major cast members a moment to shine. Once again, the choreography is excellent, with the group basketball part being especially impressive. Though for my money, the bridge starting at 2:40 is the zenith of the song. It sounds so damn good. This is a killer opening to the movie. It’s just a shame that most of the remainder of this movie’s songs are worse than this. Oh, and the plot is dumb, too. And come to think of it, Troy also acts completely out of character for half the movie, and Gabriella is almost entirely nonessential to the plot. Also, Troy’s friends are jealous, entitled assholes, and…
11. What I’ve Been Looking For (Sharpay & Ryan)
High School Musical
Talk about polar opposites. While Troy and Gabriella’s version is slow and sappy, the Evans siblings’ rendition is higher tempo and more show tune-y. And before you brainiacs in the audience state the obvious: I understand that’s the point. But here’s the deal: in universe, this is supposed to be a bastardization of the song, a real “look how they massacred my boy” type scenario, but in reality, this version is infinitely better. Sorry to all the lovers of boring, melodramatic garbage created by a girl in a fucking bowler hat, but people would actually want to see this at a real Spring Musee-kal (as Ms. Darbus would say). If I was watching this show and I heard this version, I’d be invested and bopping in my seat. If I heard Troy and Gabs’ version, I’d be asleep in my chair.
10. High School Musical
High School Musical 3
The culmination of the trilogy is this song, fittingly title “High School Musical.” And what can I say? It’s great. The music is appropriately bombastic and lively, conveying the joy of not only finishing school, but having enjoyed the experience with friends every step of the way. I only wish real graduations were a fraction as interesting as this, and not boring, drawn-out instances of pomp and circumstance. The dance choreography is spectacular, and they even have a goddamn jump-into-freeze frame ending before the cast all cry because they know the money tap has stopped flowing. For a fun and meta experience, listen to the song again, but instead of the in-universe characters singing, imagine it’s the actors singing about the film franchise. Totally different song that way. Anyway, this is the best grand finale song by a country mile.
9. You Are the Music in Me (Troy & Gabriella)
High School Musical 2
Okay, now this is a good song. Another of the “Exciting Troy & Gabriella Love Songs,” this one features a slow build up, but it’s not agonizingly long *cough* “Everyday” *cough*. This one is really fun, and the addition of a choral background is much appreciated. It’s one of the few times I genuinely feel like these two love each other, which is ironic given their real-life relationship happening concurrently with the production of the films. It also shows how talented Kelsi is as well, as she’s able to play the sounds of several instruments out of a single piano. Wow! However, I hate Troy’s stupid little lip-quivering “yeeEAahh” at the end. I’m docking a point for that.
8. Work This Out
High School Musical 2
“Work This Out” is a fun and catchy song where a group of high schoolers seriously overestimate how much money they’re gonna make as short order cooks, recreational lifeguards, and Pilates instructors during the summer. Homeboy really thinks he can afford Knicks/76ers tickets with that salary. Sure, Jan. But for real, I like the dance choreography and all the background flair. The kitchen setting is used expertly, and I dig the little part where they “play” the kitchenware. Plus, motivating his friends to make the most of their new jobs is one of the last good things Troy does before he goes on his Bully Maguire from Spider-Man 3 douche bag arc.
7. Breaking Free
High School Musical
The climax of the first film is this powerful duet by our leads, or at least between Vanessa Hudgens and Drew Seeley, who did all of Troy’s singing in the first film. Regardless, that doesn’t take away from how lively and catchy this song is. While the lyrics still have the subtlety of a twelve car pile-up, at least the lore explanation is that Kelsi wrote this song specifically for them. How she knew so much about their deep and personal inner conflicts is beyond me, but I’ll accept it… for now. The dancing is pretty lacking, however, sans Troy’s fucking moonwalk he pulls out of nowhere. But come on, this song is great; enough to even bring Troy’s unsupportive friends and Gabriella’s selfish club mates together.
6. You Are the Music in Me (Sharpay)
High School Musical 2
In yet another controversial choice from me, I once again find the Sharpay version to be superior to the T & G version. It would be even better if Troy’s whiny ass would just sing his parts and stop being a spoilsport. Like damn bro, she got you a great job, helped you meet the players of the team you want to be on, and even got you a scholarship. Stop being a dickhead and just sing the song with her, that’s literally all she asked for, you pompous prick. She is so goddamn talented and effortlessly cool, especially when she just casually tosses the mic to Sir Mopesalot at 1:13 before breaking it down. This is why she’s president of the drama club, folks. She is theatrical, and while I can understand the argument that the other version is a better song, this rendition is far more interesting to watch and actually feels like a musical number.
5. Get’cha Head In the Game
High School Musical
This song does a lot with sound and choreography that I’m a big fan of. Using the dribbling of basketballs to transition into a beat? Chef’s kiss. And any sort of large scale choreography with basketballs is impressive, especially given how this only took five tries and was filmed in one take. These b-ball moves aren’t anything too impressive by NBA standards, but you gotta keep in mind that these are theater nerds doing this shit while singing and dancing, not athletes. It’s very Globetrotters-esque. In terms of the music, it’s got this funky, electronic sound that isn’t found in any other song in the series, and its repetitive nature mirrors running drills during a practice, which is what he’s doing while having his crisis of confidence. I really, really like this song, I just wish Zac Efron was actually singing it.
4. I Don’t Dance
High School Musical 2
God I love this song, and it accompanies the best part of High School Musical 2: the jocks vs. theater nerds backyard baseball game. It starts off as a dick-measuring contest between hotheads Chad and Ryan, but you’d be forgiven for assuming it would turn into a dick-sucking contest given the off the charts homosexual tension between them. I’m media literate enough to catch the double entendre in “swinging, pitching and catching.” Look, all I’m saying is these two have more chemistry in this one four-minute song than Troy and Gabriella do in all three movies combined. But back to the song, it’s a jazzy big band number with bits of rap, and it even features an extended, brassy horns section. And no, it’s not lost on me that the baseball song has swing music; very clever Mr. Ortega. It might just be the best sounding music of any song in the series. And what in the Savannah Bananas is that choreography? I’d actually enjoy baseball if all the games were this over the top and performative. This is a certified hood classic.
3. Now or Never
High School Musical 3
High School Musical 3 opens with this absolute banger to show you that it’s bigger, better, and has more budget than the first two. It’s supposed to be a hype song to get the team to pull their heads in and win the championship, and I unironically think it does this with flying colors. It’s legitimately a great music piece to pump you up and make you feel motivated. The choreography and ball playing is all great, but the Wildcats sure are lucky the West High Knights are content with throwing the game by blatantly fouling multiple East High players and acting surprised when the refs call them out for shoulder checking in basketball. Yeah, you can’t do that, dipshit. The only thing I don't like about the song is the campy little decrescendo where Gabriella yells out, “Trooooooyyyyyyyyyy,” giving him the strength to win the game with the power of love or whatever. That’s super cringe, but it can’t take away from this GOATed song. Gotta be one of the all-time greats.
2. I Want It All
High School Musical 3
“I Want It All” is just phenomenal. I think they must’ve spent half the movie’s budget on this scene alone. I mean Sharpay has like 7 different costume changes for God’s sake. But then again, if any character deserves this level of extravagance and opulence for their song, its gotta be our queen Sharpay. It does suffer from “High School Musical 3 Syndrome”, which is to say it’s a little long, and it derails a bit around 3 minutes in. But even then, the slowed down bridge allows for the build up to the goddamn Rockettes finale with the blaring horns and giant, rotating Statue of Liberty Head, so I’d say it’s worth the wait. Everything about this is near perfection, yet it’s my second favorite song in the series, only being bested by…
1. Fabulous
High School Musical 2
I believe the kids would say Sharpay is “serving” in this song. The music, the dancing, the lyrics; they’re all so extra and I love it. Like come on, Ryan somehow being simultaneously on the chaise AND in the pool playing the piano in the all-white morning suit? That’s fucking hilarious. In a concise, three-minute song, you learn everything you need to know about the baddest bitch at East High who’s the catalyst for the plot to even happen in all three films. The opulence, the flair, the bubbly music, the bitchyness, the pink everything: this truly is l’essance de Sharpay. I find the little “ewws” and “nos” add so much to this song and give it some extra personality and pizzazz (not that “Fabulous” of all songs was short on it.) Ashley Tisdale is a severely under recognized talent who deserves way more accolades for this performance alone. While all of my top five songs are incredible, and “I Want It All” comes so damn close to clinching the number one spot, “Fabulous” is just too perfect to beat, proving bigger isn’t always better.
Finale
So what did you think of my objectively correct list? Before you all drag me out into the town square and pillory me before my public hanging, let me quickly share some insights I found after making this list:
I think everything from 18 (“The Boys Are Back”) down is a bad song, and I would never go out of my way to listen to them.
Everything from 13 (“Bop to the Top”) and above is good, and I would listen to them. The four remaining songs are just mediocre, tbh.
The average position of song by movie is as follows (1 being the best, 30 being the worst):
HSM: 16.3
HSM2: 14.5
HSM3: 15.8
The above proves my theory that these three films and their music are of roughly the same quality.
HSM2 has the most songs in the ranking, with 11 total. They tend to be either really good or really bad, seen with the average score being almost exactly 15.
Please let me know how wrong I am in the comments or by DM’ing me. I can’t wait to hear someone actually try to defend any of those God-awful Gabriella songs.
Mark I find the ranking of these songs abysmal. I’m almost as triggered as that reader from last year - that loved porn so much- he wrote an essay cursing you out for believing it wasn’t the sacred pillar that upheld our society. I’m gonna give the proper ranking of these songs that the people deserve