Potpourri for $200, Alex
Tipping for Everything, Second Choice Relationships, Car Leases, and Ice Cream at Auschwitz
A Brief Introduction
Welcome everyone. Tonight, I’ll be starting a new recurring series in which I briefly cover a few topics not important or deep enough for me to write entire articles about. Ideally, these should be a fun little smörgåsbord for you to enjoy in little bite-sized chunks. The series is named in honor of America’s greatest syndicated television game show and its greatest host. Mr. Trebek, you truly were one of the only good things to ever come from that frozen shitbox known as Canada. Without further ado, let’s begin with…
A New Lease on Life
Local idiot and TikToker (but I repeat myself) @justroughdrafts published a now-deleted video of himself telling the world that he is both functionally illiterate and mind-numbingly incompetent when he admitted that it was only 18 months into his 36-month lease on his car that he found out what a lease was. Don’t worry, the video is still available here, just not in this article since Substack won’t allow me to embed Tweets.
In a soy-filled indignant rage, Tommy smugly claims that his problem was not that he didn’t read the contract, but that he didn’t understand the contract. Oh, that makes it better. Those of us who aren’t mentally stunted and who can experience the feeling of shame would never admit to doing such an idiotic thing, even if we were being waterboarded at Guantanamo Bay. But here’s this Soyjak-looking rube, proudly telling the world he’s the type of fella who will read a contract, fail to understand it, and still sign anyway.
This man needed Dean Wormer to straighten him out way before he even thought of signing this lease: Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. I’m no lawyer, but kids, make sure you know what you're agreeing to before you agree to it, lest you end up like this nimrod who couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
Just the Tip
Man, I just love when I go to a store and the cashier says, “It’s gonna ask you a question,” while swiftly turning their dumbass little iPad register thing to face me and give me the choice of 15%, 20%, or 25%. How about the fourth option: You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
Pardon me for being a Boomer, but back in my day, you only tipped waiters or delivery drivers. Now, you’re expected to tip your barista, the cashier at Wal-Mart, the guy who does bugger-all but hand you your takeout bag at the restaurant… What the hell happened here? Tipping is supposed to be for going above and beyond, not doing the job you’re already being paid to do.
Oh, it gets worse. Now, more and more self-checkouts are including tipping options. Store owners are saying that the tips are for a job well done. A job well done… who did the job? Me, that’s who! And I deserve it, I’m actually extremely efficient at the self-check unlike some people who use it (you know the people, overflowing carriage, act like they’ve never seen a self-check before, always need help) and if anything, the store should be tipping me for my quick and efficient labor.
This is all irritating, but the unfortunate reality is people are being guilted into tipping. A recent study found that 51% of people felt pressured to tip from one of the iPad tipping machines in a situation where they otherwise wouldn’t have. How about these businesses pay the employees better as opposed to the consumer being forced to directly subsidize their paycheck? It’s hard enough affording consumer goods in Biden’s disaster of an economy without this tipping chicanery.
Here’s my advice: don’t be afraid to select 0% tip in situations where no tip is needed.
Eiscreme Macht Frei
Not since the hippies in Oregon detonated a whale with TNT to clean up the beach in 1970 has something so poorly thought out occurred. Yes, it would appear that a mere 200 yards from Auschwitz’s Death Gate, an ice cream stand has set up shop with such delicious offering as French fries, espresso, waffles, Coke Zero, assorted ice creams and of course, everyone’s favorite: “cream tube.”
Before you ask, no, the Auschwitz-Birkenau Museum had nothing to do with this. In fact, they’re more pissed than anyone else because now they look like the assholes even though they literally can’t do anything about it. The spot the shop is set up is not part of the museum’s protected property, and they have no say on what happens there. I know what the shop owners and property holders were probably thinking: two million tourists visit the site each year, and it gets hotter’n Georgia asphalt out in the Polish countryside, so why not make a quick buck? Well, here’s the answer: it’s just not a good look. There’s a time and a place for everything, and this is neither. Who knew ice cream could be so tasteless?
Settle Down, Boys
When I get bored at work, I check through the news feed on my computer, and like most “news” nowadays, nearly all of it is clickbait-y nonsense made to waste your time and get you to click. Is this what being a lonely middle-aged spinster is like? Anyway, to that end, I found myself clicking on this trashy Glam.com article titled “Is It Really That Bad To Be The 'Second Choice' In A Relationship?” Oh boy, this one was funny.
The woman who wrote this claims that being the second choice for someone is good and works out a lot. What does she cite for this? Fictional programs such as The Vampire Diaries, Outlander and Scandal, as well as reality TV show Love is Blind. Wait, it gets better. As I’m chuckling like a schoolboy reading this, I scroll down and see the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, and I actually burst into open laughter in my office:
Reddit should never, ever be a source for advice on anything, especially not relationships. Sad people who spend their whole lives online and on an internet forum like Reddit don’t understand the most basic of human interactions. Every so often, I’ll see a video or a social media post with Reddit content, and 99% of the time, it’s the most cancerous thing I’ll see that day. Maybe I should write about some of the stupid nonsense I see on there?
Let me make this crystal clear to those unfamiliar with the site: Take all of the worst traits humanity has to offer- all the arrogance, mean-spirited, lazy, pig-headed self-righteousness, all the craven, cowardly ignorance, the sheer stupidity and vulgarity and distill it down into one putrid, disgusting mix, and that vile concoction will almost be as bad as Reddit. You want my two cents on being the second choice? Don’t sit around waiting for someone to hopefully fall out of a relationship and come to you as a backup. That makes you look weak and pathetic. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen, but you need to focus on yourself and improving. It’s likely you’ll find someone who actually cares about you and is worth your time, effort and love.