Of Golden Gates and Fecal Streets
Let This Be a Reminder That They Hate You
San Francisco, a City with a Story
Oh San Francisco, were I ever to compare a city to a beloved family dog afflicted with rabies that desperately needed to be put down years ago, it wouldn’t be you. No, that would be Detroit. But you, the once lauded “Paris of the West,” have fallen on hard times as of late, and it brings me no satisfaction, nor any great pleasure, to load my 12 gauge as I press it up against your forehead. While you may not have imploded in as legendarily tragic a fashion as your brother Motor Town, you too must be executed for the good of this country. Don’t look my beloved Beantown; avert your eyes my little City of Angels; it’s not right to watch your brethren breathe its last putrid and fetid breath as we finally put it out of its misery…
Wait! You’ve done it! Little San Fran has finally gotten its act together! The sidewalks have been cleared of vagrants and vagabonds! The streets are no longer caked in human excrement and used needles! The BART is no longer the SHART, and its stations have been power washed and rejuvenated! Let us all share huzzahs and hoorays for the triumphant transformation of the Golden Shower City back into the Golden City! My Grinchian heart has grown three sizes at the thought of this mountainous metropolis finally turning the page and making life better for its citizens so they no longer have to live like its the Third World while in the richest country on Earth. Wait, what do you mean this is all a temporary, performative ruse done for the Chinese Communist Party?
A Little Background on San Francisco First
Pardon my in medias res earlier, I should probably shed some light (or should I say “Lights”, for all my Journey fans out there) for those of you who aren’t keeping up with the pathetic situation in Baghdad by the Bay. America’s 17th largest city and one of her most famous, appearing in all manner of pop culture from Planet of the Apes to James Bond, San Francisco has undergone a sort of Third Worldification if you will. The city known for its astronomical incomes and being a hub of technology and innovation has been ravaged by decades of unchallenged, one party rule at both the state and local level. Let me show you some examples of just how bad things have gotten in SF.
Homelessness is out of control in the city, and it makes places like Boston and New York look like everyone has a house in comparison. Below is an image from a video (click here to view) of a woman’s daily commute through the Tenderloin District, one of the worst in the city. The city’s ungodly real estate market has priced out nigh on all but the most wealthy from being able to live there (though I don’t see why anyone would want to at this point).
Homelessness has also led to other predictable problems, including a surge in crime and the soiling of city streets. Here are just some of the absurd, and frankly depressing, tales out of Frisco:
Pirates of San Francisco Bay: Not even the houseboats are safe from the criminal crisis afflicting the city as thieves, marauders and pirates have been robbing houseboats, cutting them loose from their mooring and stealing them. They’ve even been sailing dinghies up to boats visiting the bay like buccaneers to board and rob them as if they were Somali pirates.
The 3 Percenters Club: Vandalism, robberies and other petty crimes are essentially no longer prosecuted in California’s cities, and San Francisco’s insane drug abuse problem makes it particularly nasty there. Here’s a sobering statistic: just 3% of San Francisco restaurants haven’t been vandalized.
Penurious Pedophile Parked Outside of Parochial Prep School : A homeless, two-time child sex offender has set up camp across the street from a school with signs offering “free fentanyl 4 new users” and “meth for stolen items.” San Francisco PD, for their part, have let him stay and have said. “he is in compliance with all the components of what his sex registration are.”
Stolen Cars Galore: Did you know that your chance of being a victim of either violent or property crime in San Francisco is about 1 in 18? How about this: should you have your frontal lobe lobotomized and choose to visit the City of Fog, there’s about a 1 in 127 chance you’re gonna be stuck there as your car has been stolen. Here’s my favorite one: car break-ins are so frequent that many people are simply leaving their trunks open so at least their windows will be spared in the inevitable break in. Believe it or not, you are twice as safe in Compton, home of the Bloods and Crips, as you are in San Francisco.
A Real Shitty App: As Florida Governor DeSantis hilariously pointed out in his recent debate with California Governor Gavin Newsom, there is an app for tracking human feces left on the streets of San Francisco. It looks like these folks are leaving more than their hearts in San Francisco. I shouldn’t have to tell you why this is embarrassing on so many levels. They should open up an Encore Casino in San Fran; I hear there’s a huge market of craps players! Hey, not every joke can land.
President Xi’s Comin’ to Town
Now you’ve been caught up to speed on the derelict state of the city that Starship built, so what brought about my feigning praise earlier? Well, as it so happens, communist dictator of China Xi Jinping was in town for the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) Leader’s Meeting, and suddenly the dystopic dictators of the derelict district felt the need to clean up their act, as it were, and large swathes of the city were beautified and rejuvenated in a matter of days.
Okay, surely this was a coincidence, right? Maybe the friendly folks in Frisco are finally fed up with festering fecal forays and decided to stand up for themselves and be the change they want to see? No, it really was done to kowtow to Winnie the Pooh and save face for The City. Don’t believe me? Hear it straight from the horse’s mouth:
Yes, he did indeed just say, “I know folks say, 'Oh, they're just cleaning up this place because all these fancy leaders are coming into town.' That's true because it's true.” But in all fairness, he later clarified his statement, saying, “Anytime you put on an event, by definition, you have people over at the house – you got to clean up the house.” So, the people who live in the house should live in squalor and filth when there aren’t guests over? Got it!
Why is This Important?
I’m not telling you this to shit all over SFO (pun very much intended), but to make a point about Commiefornia’s ruling class. All the Californian politicians you know are from Bay Area. Vice President Harris is from right across the bay in Oakland. Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is from the Pacific Heights neighborhood of the city and has represented most all of the city in Congress since 1987. Governor Newsom was the Mayor of San Francisco for 7 years before becoming Lieutenant Governor and then Governor.
My point being that these people aren’t ignorant of the myriad of problems on the peninsula. They know them better than anyone, as their policies are what sunk the city into the sea, and they’ve had an eternity to actually solve the problems. Yet they do nothing, and up until now, the current abhorrent state of San Francisco could be waived away by sycophantic socialist simps as either a right-wing fantasy (an obvious canard to anyone with eyes and a sense smell not accustomed to stinking shit) or something that California simply didn’t have the resources to solve.
Well, it turns out that was not true and the city could be cleaned up within existing budgets and essentially overnight. We’ve been told time and time again by the politicians who run our largest cities that there is nothing they can do to solve the homelessness, drug and crime epidemics taking over our streets, yet they just showed they can. They choose not to fix it because they hate you. They don’t serve you, they serve their chums in the Chinese Communist Party, their corporate overlords, or their biggest donors.
Wouldn’t it be nice if everyday San Franciscans could live in this better version of their city all the time instead of whenever President Xi rolls his portly communist ass into town? Too bad Newsom and his Napa Valley pals at French Laundry couldn’t give less of a damn about residents of the City of Love, and until they wake up and smell the roses over the defecation, they will never see their city return to its former glory. Elections have consequences, folks, and one party rule for decades on end is clearly not the way to go.
Spot on!