Joe Won't Go

The Democrats have painted themselves into a corner

The Debate

Well, that was certainly one of the debates of all time. Thankfully, it wasn’t as painfully difficult to watch as the first 2020 debate, but it still wasn’t what I’d call an enjoyable experience. Pay close attention to this next part, reader, as I don’t usually say this, but I was totally wrong going into what can charitably be described as a “debate.”

I was utterly convinced that Donald Trumpelstiltskin accepting Palooka Joe’s Dirty Harry (or should I say Dirty Diaper?) gauntlet throw would be nothing but damaging to the former Commander-in-Cheeto. Trump remained ahead in the polls of every swing state, and even held the lead for the popular vote because, I hypothesized, our squirrel attention span having populace was more focused on the failures of Joe Biden’s America than anything else. I believed that by inserting himself back into the spotlight and bullying Ben & Geriatrics over here, he would remind people just how much they loathed him and his frankly childish antics.

Well as it turned out, the rules laid out by the Biden campaign that were seemingly devised to be as lopsided and unfair to Donnie T. as possible (an unfriendly host network and moderators, no audience to feed off of, and a mute button for shutting the old men up) actually ended up helping 45 far more than it hurt him. I was pleasantly surprised by how well this format worked, and I would love to see it return for future debates, but I digress.

I’m sure by now you’ve seen the highlight reel from the debate, so I won’t bore you by discussing them again here, though I have included some of the funniest moments here, here, here, and here. All you need to know is Grandpa Joe had quite possibly the worst debate performance in modern American history. It was so brutal, in fact, that the CNN snap poll after the debate showed 2/3 of viewers thought Trump won. Because of this, calls for Joe Biden to step down as the Democratic nominee began to spring up from Democratic voters and strategists, Democratic politicians, and even administration-friendly media organizations like the New York Times. But is this the right call?

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Who Else?

Were Beijing Biden to step down, the obvious question would be who should replace him? Many, like former Ohio Representative Tim Ryan, have said that Vice President Kamala Harris would not only be the obvious standard bearer, but also an excellent choice on her own accord. But would she be though?

She is just as, if not more, unpopular than her boss, and her pathetic popularity among voters is evident in her unsuccessful presidential run in 2020. She was so unpopular that she withdrew before the primary elections even began due to lack of support, despite being well-known and viewed as a rising star. What about her track record? Well, her one and only duty as Veep was to manage the border crisis, and I don’t think I need to tell you what a bang-up job she’s done there. She is immensely unlikable, abusing her staff to the point where dozens of them have left her employ due to her being a colossal bitch. She cackles like a sociopath at literally everything, from the plight of refugees to the imprisoning of parents of truant children, and has legendarily poor speaking skills (see any number of times she uses circular logic in word salad speeches that libs salivate over as if she’s some powerful orator). At the end of the day, “Momala” Harris represents the worst aspects of DEI; she was admittedly selected to be “Scranton Joe’s” running mate based solely on the color of her skin and her genitals. She has no redeeming qualities and would certainly lose to the Teflon Don.

Given that Cackles is a non-starter, who else would the Democrats even replace Biden with? Here’s some rapid fire suggestions and why they wouldn’t be the best choices.

• Gavin Newsom: Governor of California and arguably the worst governor in the Union, Newsom only seems to be a good choice to those who are in a left wing bubble with no connection to the pulse of average people. Most Californians don’t even like this slimy asshole, let alone normal people. Dude lost to the guy who lost to Drumpf in the primary. That alone speaks to his unviability.

• Pete Buttigieg: Good ole Alfred E. Neuman has been trying to stay on the down low for what polls indicate will likely be the final months of the Biden administration and what is clearly an attempt to distance himself from this sinking ship before he steps back into the presidential ring. The Transport Secretary whose only qualification was that he likes trains (meaning 4-year-old me could have done his job, apparently) is, when not claiming bridges on Long Island are racist, doing his damnedest to lose a crucial voting block for the Dems. Biden is struggling with black voters, and Buttigieg would probably do even worse given the black community’s, shall we say, less than favorable view of homosexuality. Sorry Mayor Pete, but you ain’t gonna get the nomination.

• Gretchen Whitmer: The Governor of Michigan is an interesting choice, though she herself has said she has no intention of replacing Joey. Well, shucks, I’m sure the American people would have loved to vote for a woman they have largely never heard of. And if they do know who she is, I imagine they wish they didn’t, given she has the RFK Jr. problem of having an insufferable voice, this time her obnoxious, nasally Michigan accent. While far from the worst candidate the Dems could field, Agent Orange and his allies would no doubt bring up her tyrannical and dictatorial overreach during Covid times. That won’t be a good look for the party calling Trump a dictator, now would it?

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Will They Really Replace Joe? Fat Chance.

We can sit here and theorize who the Democrats could replace Sleepy Joe with all day, but to do that would be to miss the point entirely. The Democrats simply cannot replace Joe. As said before, all the replacement candidates would do worse than Sleepy, as they either have their own, numerous flaws, or they lack name recognition (which would also allow T-Rump to define them to the American people). But those aren’t even the biggest problems.

The simple fact is that by dumping Biden, this would cause a Democratic civil war, all but guaranteeing The Donald the presidency. There are two ways to get Biden off the ticket; either he voluntarily steps down or the party nominates someone else at the convention. Both are extremely unlikely, and here’s why.

Biden himself stepping down on his own volition won’t be happening, and you can take that to the bank. Brandon here hasn’t worked an honest day’s work in his life; spending his entire adult life as a “public servant” (what a ridiculous and misleading term, but that’s for another time), and the presidency is literally all he has ever wanted. The man’s been trying to secure his current job since he first ran for prez in 1988, and now that he finally has it, he sure as shit isn’t going to just give it up to someone younger than him (that’s the Boomer mentality, even though he’s actually older than the Boomers, if you can believe it). Trump even grilled him on this at the debate when Biden tried to claim he ran for president after Charlottesville, saying that Biden only ran because it was his last chance to be president. Oof.

That only leaves the party forcing him to step down, and they can only do this if at least half of the delegates he won in the primary refrain from voting for him, causing a brokered convention where the party could then nominate someone else. I’ll let you know right now that this would be an unmitigated disaster for the Democrats. They would be thrusting a candidate chosen by party elites onto the people, 1800s style, essentially telling them that their primary votes don’t matter and that they will nominate who they please. This would be an extremely hard sell for the party that’s spent the last 4 years claiming the other side is “threatening democracy.” It’s pretty hard to claim that your opponents are trying to undermine democracy when you flagrantly disregard the will of your voters and have the elites hand pick a candidate. But then again, their voters seem to be cheering on the naked persecution of their main political adversary, so maybe I’m giving them too much credit here.

It looks like Biden is here to stay, for better or worse, as the Democrat’s nominee. God help us. Take it away, Weird Al.